nineteen months

dear claire,

i'm so tired. this month was ridiculous. lets start with your three day hospital stay. i would compare those days to the first few nights you were home from the NICU as a newborn. i slept horribly, woke up every few hours to comfort you, didn't brush my hair for a few days, and watched you breath a lot. i either wore the same bra for three days, or didn't wear one at all, i'm too tired to recall, i got pee on me (not my own), and while driving i played over and over in my head a scenario where i get pulled over for drunk driving and laugh like a lunatic at the officer and mumble something about "yo, i WISH i was drunk! i was swerving because i have had a total of 6 hours of sleep in 4 days, SUE ME." i don't know why i always think that would be so funny. but i totally envision me acting like a drunken a-hole and the officer doing a breathalyzer only to find that i'm stone cold sober, putting his tail between his legs and walking away. i would totally drink to that. i am SO OVER cops and their little ticket books. anyway, it was a blast. you couldn't breathe. now you can. let's hope it stays that way.







month 18 was a very painful month for you. you had your blood drawn three times, several shots, an iv, nasal swab, x-ray, breathing treatments, numerous people looking in your ears, oxygen tubes taped to your face, etc. it sucked. and i'm sorry. i really hope that it was all a fluke. next month we're going to have to steal more of your blood to test your crappy immune system and hopefully find out why you keep getting so sick. i promise i will make it up to you. i will take you to the zoo... or the pet store in the mall that has all those puppies in glass cages. you're 19 months old, i really doubt you will notice a difference.








this month at your 18 month well baby appointment the dr had some nice things to say about you. you speak like a 24 month old. no big surprise there, considering that i never shut up. but in a way, i feel like it was such a huge accomplishment for us... ok, more you. but really, us. when you were born all crazy early i was so scared something would be wrong with you. worried that i should have moved less while on bed rest, or not eaten a baked potato for breakfast every day, or snorted less crack cocaine (kidding)(duh). when you smiled a little late, sat a little late, crawled a little late and walked a little late, i was always on the edge of my seat fearful that you'd NEVER learn. so last week when you strutted across the living room in my high heels and yelled out "BABY WALK MAMA'S SHOES!" i almost fell over. you are truly my child. lazier than a fat cat laying in the sun... but when it comes to looking hawt in high heels and talkin' it up - you are a supahstar. we'll check that right off the list of important life lessons.







september of 2008 will always be remembered. for two reasons. 1. the u.s. american financial crisis. and 2. the month i tried to potty train you and you crapped in my bedroom. as you can imagine, quite unforgettable. basically, i bought you a really cute potty. i tried to show you how to use it. you laughed and played and pretended to put toilet paper in it. you ate a cracker. we had a blast. then i turned my back for a moment, and when i turned back around you were gone. for only 10 seconds. which is apparently the exact amount of time it takes to walk into my room, poop right next to my bed, STEP in it and yell out "EWWWWWW". the potty has been retired until you are old enough to get a job and hire a company to steam clean the carpets.






which... might be right around the corner, as your new favorite past time is being a stripper.



lovely.

your personality is amazing. i was just noticing tonight that when you smile now, you really, really mean it. before this month you would smile because you could tell we were trying to be funny, or you were just overloaded with weird baby emotions that make you burst out laughing for no reason, or something was generally fun. but now your smile is genuine and sincere.







this evening you were standing around looking for something to mess up and i was staring at you, embracing your cuteness. you turned and looked me in the eye and smiled at me. but something was different. something has been different in your smile for a few weeks now. you weren't smiling because you thought i was being funny. you were smiling because you wanted me to see your smile and feel your happiness. that's the difference. you get it now... you get that how you act and the things you do make others FEEL things. you know that when you hit your friends, they feel sad, and when you stalk the cat she feels scared for her pathetic little life, and when you smile at your mama, you make my day. you completely get it. you get what a lot of grown men and women in this world still don't get. a genuine smile spreads joy.



thank you for reminding me that some times its the simplest things that comfort the most complicated pain.



loving you joyfully,

mama

"Peace begins with a smile,.."
— Mother Teresa

eighteen months

dear claire,

happy half birthday! today you turn a year and a half old. i think this marks the point in your life when i have to stop dropping f-bombs within ear shot of you and walking around half naked... i wasn't really sure what the cut off for that was until the other day when you pointed at my topless top and exclaimed, "EWWWW!".

THANK YOU, for that. i was hoping someone would notice how repulsive my breasts are.

you're beginning to have strange opinions (read, my boobs are NOT gross, thank you), and you are starting to repeat what you hear. one can only assume that you were simply misquoting something, and what you meant to say was: "ooooooh! whatagreatrack." no worries, it happens.







this month you have really mastered feeding yourself. i think we've finally reached 60/40. you get about 60% of the food into your mouth, and only 40% on the floor. 60% of the food you put in your mouth stays there, 40% ends up in your hand, and 60% of that, eventually is shaken onto the floor. 60% of the food on the floor ends up being eaten by the cat before 40% of it is subsequently barfed up by said cat. i sit and drink 60% of the bottle of wine while dreaming of getting 40% of my deposit back on the condo. not likely at this point.









despite the fact that you are incredibly messy and have ruined hundreds of dollars worth of my personal property including two cell phones, two camera lenses, makeup, jewelry, wine glasses, about 100 square feet in carpet, etc, you still manage to be completely disgusted when your hands are dirty. forget that you are sitting in your own urine, have carrots in your hair and frequently eat week-old cheerios off the floor, you will come running across the room practically gagging at the sight of the microscopic piece of lint stuck to your hand. oh, the irony of toddlerhood.









this month your vocabulary has really taken off. you are beginning to put two words together. some of my favorite combinations are: "cute shoes!", "red balls!" and "love you." i will never forget... you were in your jammies, standing at the coffee table. i was on the couch. i was sitting there staring at you toddling around, looking for something to mess up. you turned and looked and me and smiled. i said, "i love you baby". you went back to what you were doing like i'd just told you "it's wednesday and i love ninjas". so. freaking. what. right? but then about 20 seconds later, you whipped back around, looked me right in the eye and said, "love you." i screamed and laughed and clapped like a mental person and grabbed you and said, "YES YOU DO!" you really should. i'm pretty amazing. i'm glad that after 18 months of basically worshipping you, you finally second that emotion. thanks for loving me back, and publicly admitting it.









i can't possibly even put into words how my love continues to grow for you. over the last year i've really struggled with depression. you have been my lifeline. every time i'm feeling worthless, i remember how important i am to you. and every time i feel empty, i remember how much your smile fills my heart. every time i feel lonely, i grab you up from your crib and lay you next to me in bed and hold you close. your baby scented hair and your soft skin remind me that life isn't always this hard. i can feed off of your happy experiences until i can gather up enough of my own. i can soak up some of the joy that you get just from a leaf blowing in the wind, or a song about buses. every time i start to cry because stuff hurts i try to remind myself that a team is only as strong as its weakest player. you need me to be strong and healthy and good. and i will be. ugly jugs, and all.



love you ooooh so much,

mama.