an inbetweener

something that happened today has inspired me to write another little inbetweener.

i used to think i hated kids. thats why i didnt want any. but then i had my own kid and i was all like, "oh, i really like her, so maybe i don't hate kids?"

but then, this morning, just as i was getting used to the idea of not hating kids, some prick 5 year old boy at the park walked up to you, grabbed you by the arms, swung you to the side, threw you in the sand on your face, and kicked you. not like it would make it any better if there was a reason, but there was no reason. A RANDOM ACT OF HATE. you were just standing there coveting another little girl's cracker.

i was standing like 4 feet away. so was dickhead's non-english speaking nanny. actually i dont even know which non-english speaking nanny was his, because there was like 7 of them (and while we're on the subject, if you speak another language, never assume that the white girl doesn't understand your language... cuz i understood pretty much every word they said.... and it made me really happy that i dont have a nanny).

anyway, i ran and picked you up (you were too shocked to even cry, you just grabbed onto me and put your head on my shoulders and asked for a baba), and i SCREAMED at the little asshole, "DON'T YOU TOUCH MY BABY!!!" i didn't even get to see if i made him cry. i screamed in his face. i hope i did. i hope my outburst will steer him off the path of becoming a murderer and rapist, which he is clearly on his way to being.

i'm sure by now you've forgotten about the sandbox incident of '08. but i havent. i've been thinking about it all day. to me it was more than just a mean boy being a mean boy. i got to thinking about what advice i'm going to have for you when you're old enough to cry about being bullied at school.

when i was in school i was for the most part in the "popular" group. but even so there is always going to be someone who has better hair and is thinner and richer than you. it truly doesnt matter how cool you are. pretty much everyone gets bullied, and if you didn't get bullied than you probably were the bully, which basically means you suck.

so i thought long and hard about what the grownup advice way is to deal with bullies. and it occurred to me: i dont know. because even as a grownup - there are still bullies. and i still let them get me down. so rather than telling you how to deal with a situation when a bully makes you feel bad, i'll tell you this...

you're amazing. you are so precious and perfect and just really amazing. i never ever want you to feel anything other than that. you're not even a year and a half old - it didnt hurt your feelings when that horrible boy pushed you. but when the day comes that a horrible boy pushes you and you're old enough to understand - i hope you remember how wonderful you are. and how there is always at LEAST one person who you mean the entire world to.

for a while i will be able to fight your fights for you, but when the day comes that someone trips you, or pulls your hair, or makes fun of you, please remember how great you are. don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. above all other things, i hope the one gift of wisdom i can teach you is self worth. i hope that i can give you the tools to really know in your heart what a wonderful person you are and accept nothing but the most wonderful treatment from those around you.

in other words... when life gives you a face full of sand, build a castle.





love you,

mama

sixteen months

dear claire,

i have in my hand a crisp $20 bill. it's all yours if you stop growing up SO DAMN FAST. i mean, i don't want you to be like an elf or an umpaloompa or one of those strangely small women who shop in 'limited too' or something, but for the love of ham sandwiches do you know what we did tonight?... we painted your nails. hot pink. and then you gently blew on them. and then you looked at me and said "brrrit-taaaay!" so stop, ok? just stop. rewind a bit... maybe not all the way to colic crazy mcscreamerville, but how about those good ole' days when you stayed in one place, and goo gooed and ga gaad and didn't throw things at my face when you got mad? thanks. twenty bucks, thanks.









on the bright side, you're really fun. this whole learning-to-talk phase you've entered is just hilarious. you have about twenty-five useful words in your vocabulary, another five that mean something that someone in one of your other lives must have taught you (i have NO freaking idea what "bapo" means, but you seem to), and when you're in the right mood you will attempt to repeat pretty much anything i ask you to. including "love you", "cheers" and "obama looks like a retarded chimpanzee". i'm sorry, but he kinda does. talking is definitely one of your mad skillz... right up there with ruining expensive makeup and eating things off the ground that may or may not be day old cheerios.









this month you've kind of reminded me of one of those robots that becomes self-aware. you've been this little programmed pooping, screaming, effing stuff up machine until recently. you've discovered that you have a belly button, tooting is funny (i would like to go on record that i did NOT teach you that), and you are beginning to understand your feelings, and other's feelings. now your tantrums end with reaching out to me for a hug, instead of falling asleep on the floor. now you laugh at something funny (like a toot) and then look to me to see if i thought it was funny too (i do not). now you are beginning to realize that if you fall and i'm not there to catch you it will probably hurt, and if you do something hilarious and i'm not there to see it, it's not quite as hilarious.









you are the most empathetic child i've ever met. if you hit me and i make a sad face you realize you've hurt me and you start to cry and throw your arms around me. it's both incredibly pathetic and the sweetest thing i've ever witnessed. you remind me that in my hard-ass grownup world of paperwork, curse words and speeding tickets, people have feelings. and we should simmer down and care a little bit more about other people's feelings. in other words... pour your friend a glass of wine before you pour your own, she might need it more. you are wise beyond your years, darlin'.









i love that you are becoming your own person. there's been a lot of she-looks-like-me's in the last 16 months, but i think you've finally developed your little personality enough where i look at you, and i just see Claire. you move your own little way and look your own little looks and you're finally just YOU. you are constantly giving everyone more qualities to love about you.







your dad and i filed for divorce last week. it's stirred up a lot of guilty feelings on my part. i so badly don't want any decisions i've made in my life to hurt your life, ever. i swear to god i will make sure you have two really really fantastic homes. i've struggled with a lot of shoulda coulda woulda's in the last 16 months. but i've realized recently that the roads i've taken, good and bad, they've led me to you. and you to me. had i never gotten married, had i never gotten pregnant, had i never gotten divorced.... we wouldnt be the "us" that we are now. i love us. and i wouldnt trade this us for any other us in the world.

love you just as we are.



-mama


"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." — Douglas Adams