14 months seems like it should be fairly anti-climactic. sorta like turning 23, or 77, or a hangover that lasts till january 2nd. but alas, you've found a way to make it special. you started taking steps this month! very gusty lunging steps into your mama's arms. maybe it's the fifth tooth, or the eighth ear infection, or the fact that i've been spiking your formula with steroids, but you are such a big girl, and you have no fear. you were standing by your fire truck looking at me like - "yeah, i can stand on my own, so what... take a picture it will last longer..." and i took a picture (so it would last longer) and then i held out my arms and said "come here to mama!" and you took two giant crazy baby steps and threw yourself into my arms. next on my list of things to dare you to do: "win the lotto for mama!" and "pour wine for mama!". don't worry, i have a whole list. we will get through it together.
you love dogs so much. so i got you a book that is essentially 17 dollars worth of dog photographs on cardboard. like seriously, there aren't even any words. publishers are smart. you are one year old. you cant read, nor can you sit long enough for me to read to you. but you know what you can do? violently throw 17 dollars worth of cardboard while screaming "DAAAAAAAAWG! DAAAAWWWWG! DUH! DUH! DAAAWGGG!" anyways, it's your favorite book, and assuming that it doesnt end up as evidence in an attempted murder trial (you've got quite an arm on you), some day you can pass it down to your very own dog loving child. hey, it's cheaper than buying an actual DAAAWG
this month you gave the world its first taste of toddler 'tude. here's an example:
toddler wants lipgloss tube. mama is using lipgloss tube. toddler yells out in despair! mama finishes glossing her lips and gives toddler the freaking lipgloss tube. toddler dramatically turns away as if to say I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE. mama insists toddler please take the GD lipgloss tube. toddler throws lipgloss tube and avoids eye contact with evil gloss hogging mama.
this month you marked your territory in the condo. i'm mean, finally, right?... how long was it gunna be until one of us peed on the carpet? so, here's how it went down:
you have a firetruck ride along push along toy thingy. you know what i'm talking about... it's decorated with really bright seizure inducing colors and makes lots of noise and gives you a dangerously false sense of security that you can "walk"... until you run it into a wall and smash your face in. one of those. so, today we got home from lunch and it was ridiculously hot out and we were both wearing jeans and all hot and sweaty so i took off your pants... then i'm like what the hell, and i took off your diaper and shirt and let you run (crawl) around and air out. i'm nice. you crawled over to your fire truck. you stood up. you lifted one leg up in the air. you placed your foot on the bell so the firetruck siren was going off. WOOOOO WOOOO WOOOOOO!!!!!!!! and then you put out the fire. like a dog. with one leg up. WOOOOO WOOOO WOOOOOO!!!!!!!! i've never been so proud (or so happy to have carpet cleaner on hand).
it's so hard not having you 100% of the time. it feels really unnatural. and it's not getting better. i guess i didn't expect it to get better. there's nothing 'better' about having an increasing amount of babyless time under your belt when you're a mother. i hear other mothers talk about needing a break, or time to themselves. i get it, i know the circumstances are different. but it really puts things into perpective for me. i never want a break from you. ever. i guess you don't really know what you're missing, until you're missing it. i went from not even wanting to have children, to hurting deep down in my heart just to see your face. when i hear your voice at 3am awake and wanting a bottle, i'm so happy. maybe our "circumstances" make me a better parent than i would have been. because really i just wanna spend every waking hour with you (even the hours that people shouldn't be awakin' at), and i know that's not normal. i wanna tell the other moms... i get all the "breaks" and i get all the "me time"... and when you really really have it, and you can't give it back - it sucks. maybe that's one of those things that's just nice to dream about.
on a happier note... you're a good snuggler. sometimes i get really selfish and when i go to bed at night i get you from your crib and i bring you into bed with me. why? that falls under parenting clause 247 section B "because i'm the mom and i feel like it". there are few things better than falling asleep staring at perfection. watching your chest rise and fall, knowing that the first time you did that was in my belly... staring at your sweet little lips and how they pucker just like mine... brushing your soft baby curls away from your eyes... holding your chubby little hand when you're too sleepy to pull it away... it just doesn't get much better than that.
oh wait, it does...
last week i woke up to you twirling my hair in your fingers. just like you twirl yours when i give you your night time bottle, it's your peaceful way of passing time and relaxing. you were laying on your side staring at my face, waiting for me to wake up, twirling my hair. when i opened my eyes you sat up right away. you grabbed my hand and put it on your hair, and rest your head on my tummy. so i twirled your hair too. if i could, i would quit my job and lay in bed and play with your hair and snuggle you all day. you love when i kiss your earlobes, and tickle your toes, and when i put out my arms and say "mama?" you throw yourself into my arms. i couldnt give you the full term pregancy you should have had, or the breast milk you'd have been better off with, or the unbroken family you deserved. but at 6:45 a.m. on a tuesday morning i gave you exactly what you needed. a mama to play with your hair.
sometimes, love is all we need.
love you twirly girlie,
mama
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