two years

dear claire,

when you turned one i wrote about a few things you'd taught me that year. it's been a whole 'nother year and, wow, its been a year... wow. so here i am again, what, like five seconds later with a big fat two year old letter of things you've taught me this year. i'm not sure how a whole year passed so quickly. i think you must be performing some sort of time travel wizardry. nevertheless....


trust

this year you were hospitalized. you couldnt breathe and it sucked and we spent 3 days in a 10x10 space with questionable food and no sleep. when we first went to the hospital they needed to get an IV in you right away. the nurse told me to give you to her and that they were going to take you into the next room to put the IV in. i practically burst into tears on the spot. "you can NOT take my child alone into the next room and torture her with needles, no thank you, PASS." the nurse explained to me that they always take the child away from the parent for the IV because YES it is traumatizing, YES it will hurt, but they want the parent to be the person to "rescue" the child after the torture... not the person helping hold the child down. they want the parents to keep the trust of the child. then it made so much sense. i wish that trust was that easy in life. i wish that every time something bad happened to you it could happen in the next room so that i could be the one to rescue you. but i've realized that wont always be the case. there are going to be many times in our lives where things will hurt. i wont always be the one to rescue you. i'm going to have to pull out the splinter, set a curfew, or tell you your cat died. and thats where the trust comes in. when you were a baby i got an automatic "trust pass". but as you grow older, i have to work to keep it. you like to play this game where you will stand up on the bed and just fall to me. there is no doubt in your mind that i will catch you. i'm always looking, paying attention, waiting for you. and i always will be. this year i've learned that at first trust comes free, but then you have to try hard to maintain it. there will be many times that i'm going to have to be the one to prick you with the needle. but afterwards, i will always, always be looking, waiting and paying attention to catch you when you fall. trust me.


innocence

today you were visiting me at work and a man and his two year old walked into my office. when the child walked in i said "oh hi cutie!" the man asked me a few questions and then went on his way. as they turned to walk out you yelled to the child "bye bye cutie!" it makes me smile just thinking about it. it reminds me that all of the stupid grown up adult crap bag people werent always so crappy. there is this innocence in all of us that used to believe everything anyone said. along the way we all learn to read into things, manipulate situations, translate what someone is saying to fit our needs, read tones, and facial expressions, and body language. there is no truth in adults. everything is left up to interpretation. no one is innocent. no one is unbiased. it's so different when you're two. you'd be damned if someone was going to try and tell you that girls name wasnt "cutie". um, HELLO, your own MOTHER just TOLD you her name is CUTIE. psshhhh. a little more innocence in this world really wouldnt kill us. if only we were all southern, flight attendant, two year olds who just went around bouncing our frenchbraids (freedombraids? do we still hate french people? i dont remember.) winking and refreshing people's drinks and calling everyone "cutie". what a world it would be. this year you reminded me that innocence is more similar to honesty than to ignorance then people like to admit.


faith

i'm not religious. something that i know disappointments a few people in my life. to most people faith means faith in god, or religion, or a higher power, or booze. while i do have faith in booze (it's only steered me wrong a handful of times!), none of those are the faith i'm talking about. you've taught me about faith in the future. faith in our future. there is something from my past that has always stuck in my head. a teacher i had in high school, was talking once about how god loves us, and we should never doubt his love for us. and she said something... she said that god looks down on us and says "i love you. just look at you, what else would i do?" i remember feeling so special. well, until i realized i didn't believe in god. but then you made me realize that you don't have to believe in god to see goodness. cuz every time i see your face i can't help to think, "i love you. just look at you, what else would i do..." i have faith in you. and us, and our future. i have faith that our love will carry us through 'til for always. no matter what either of us encounters, we've already been through so much in just two years, i know there is nothing that our love can't overcome. so, you've taught me what faith feels like. i can't see it or touch it our feel it, but i know we have a great future lined up for us. i guarantee it. i have faith in us. i have faith that you and i will love each other for always. just look at us, what else would we do.

2 us,

mom-mom