thirty four months

hi miss claire,

it's been so hard to keep up with your letters recently. life is so busy and i would so rather spend my extra time with you, rather than writing about you. you don't go to bed at 7pm anymore! and i don't go to bed alone anymore. ;)








a few months ago we moved. we live in a nicer neighborhood, in a nicer house, with nicer company (ava the cat is fab, but she's kinda ugly, and not so nice, akshully). you're happy here. i'm happy here. we're all happy here. so, we've kinda been busy being happy and whatnot.








but this evening you reminded me that i don't want to forget all the happiness. i don't wanna forget how you are, and how you make me feel, and how i make you feel. so i need to keep writing it down. our bond means so much to me.








tonight i went to put you down to bed, and like every night you asked me to snuggle you. so i climbed into bed with you, and like always you insist i use the small throw pillow and then you motion that you want me to spoon you and put my arm around your waist. so i do. and i closed my eyes and i thought to myself "i never imagined love could feel like this." and as i thought that i wondered what love feels like to you. one of my favorite things about you is that at least 10 times a day you stop what you're doing and say "hey mama? i love you." and you push your chin into your neck and give me a cheeser smile and, you know, the best part is - you really mean it.







so we were laying in bed snuggling and i was wondering - what it means to you. so i whispered "hey claire?" a few seconds passed, and you replied in your best whisper-yell grumpy toddler voice, "i'm TRYING to SLEEP. leave me ALONE please, MOMMY." i held back laughter, and tightened my arm around you. a few moments passed,"did you have something to tell me, mommy?" i brushed your hair back from your face and replied, "yeah. i was wondering... what's love?" you let out a deep sigh, like you were explaining something to me for the umpteenth time. you rolled over, reached out your hand, placed it on my cheek and said, "love is when you love your mama."

and, well. you know. that's a hard act to follow.







so i realized something tonight. when you were tiny and loud and and i was a new mom and tired, more tired than any human should ever have to be, i remember thinking to myself, "i can not for the LIFE of my understand why people have more than one child." like, i loved you and all, but unless the next kid were to come home from the hospital with a full-time nanny and a bag of booze, i'd be damned if i put myself through that again. it only took me thirty four and a half months to find the answer.







you can love a parent, you can love a spouse, but you will never know a love like your child. the word love doesn't even look the same all typed up. i don't owe my life to you, i didn't make a commitment to love and honor you. its much more complicated than that. you carry my heart and soul in your eyes and your smile and your touch. i can't explain it, and i wont even try, because its something you can't imagine until you live it. but its true, pure, make your eyes all teary LOVE. and i have it.

for your third birthday i'm going to get you a karaoke machine. you like singing. you scold the cat. you sometimes call your apple juice your "wine" and though i act embarrassed, i secretly think its funny. you enjoy playing "ball game" with jeremy. you love him. he loves you. you told me that you are a princess and he is your prince, but you would share him with me because i dont have a prince of my own. you talk in your sleep. you love green beans. and ketchup. you are left handed. or maybe ambidextrous. you know you're pretty. you wish you could wear a dress every waking hour. and my shoes. especially the high heels. you have excellent manners. you hate the camera. you can never remember how old you are. you like to color. a lot. you add a "y" to the end of things you like. like "juicey" and "milky" and "snuggy". you play this game you made up where you take a sip of your milk and you point to your lips and want us to guess whats in your mouth. but you insist we guess wrong the first 5 guesses. and then you laugh like a crazy person when we finally guess right. you told everyone you wanted purple presents for christmas. you were afraid of santa, but you didnt really want anyone to know. you're potty trained and proud of it! and you gave up the binky. you don't have a favorite doll, or blankie, but you twirl your hair. you're sweet. sensitive. empathetic. and too smart for your own good. you still get sick a lot. but you're not afraid of the doctor anymore. you love having your nails painted. you'll do anything for a couple of m&m's. you love princesses. and most importantly. you're mine.



happy 34 months my darling.

love is loving your baby.

-mama