a year ago this week my OB put me on bedrest, so its fitting that now's the time you learn to crawl. quite the exact opposite of bedrest for me, actually. i sort of wish i would have rested a little harder. in fact, looking back i wish i'd started bedrest like 10 years ago. then i might be rested enough... at least enough to get me through one week.
you, my dear, are so awesome. you are babbling up a freaking storm. you'd always been a very quiet baby. taking it all in... observing those crazy people who raise you... then about a month ago WHAM - you speak. dada mama lala blah blah all day long. you just crawl around the house speaking your fancy language and telling everyone where to shove it. you call the cat "abba" (ava), you can say dog, and duck and you know the difference. you say "hi" and wave at people. i have no idea how you learned to wave. i did not teach you. one day you just did it. you are so polite.
the crawling is hilarious. the first thing you officially crawled a good distance for was my cell phone. then an electrical cord. then the cat. forget about the fact that you own all of toys r us. you apparently wish you owned all of circuit city and a small zoo. poor ava's quality of life has significantly decreased. you do not allow her to sit still. if she is on your floor - it's fair game. she waits until you get about 6 inches from her and then backs up a few feet. she will do this a few times and then jump up to the table and hatefully gaze at you. sometimes i think she actually wants you to catch her... and put her out of her misery.
you're also trying to stand on your own. you pull yourself up on your little table so well. usually i'm sitting right behind you waiting to catch you if you fall. you've learned that you can blindly let go, lean backwards, and land in my lap. you think its funny, because for a brief moment you are standing on your own. that's a very dangerous thing because i'm not always sitting behind you... and you can not stand alone. yet.
you've successfully gotten through a whole month of daycare (school). you are totally the popular girl sitting at the cool lunch table with the brand new trapper keeper. they LOVE you. i'm not surprised, you are really fun. they love your smile, and your laugh, and the way your whole face lights up when you're happy. you continue to brighten every life you touch, even if its just a little. i was really scared you'd either hate school, or love it and not miss me. but you've managed to find the perfect balance. you're happy to see your teacher each morning, and even happier to see me each evening. i'm still working on a way to be your full time mama again, but in the meantime i think you're happy at your new school.
this coming month is going to be different. tomorrow you and i are moving to a condo a few blocks away. this is the month you will look back on some day and wonder if it was your fault. it wasn't. if anything, your coming to this world almost helped fix things for a moment. but when push came to shove your dad and i found that we just weren't happy together, and it'd be better for all of us to be apart. i can only hope that you grow up to understand that this, though not the typical dreamy cookie cutter life - is the best life for us at the moment. i keep trying to remind myself that two happy households are better than one unhappy household... but inside my heart is aching for you to have a family that's not broken. i'm so sorry we couldn't fix it.
wow. you're almost a year old. i feel like the last eleven months have happened in one big breath. writing you these letters really helps me to slow down and reflect on how you've grown each month. it helps me to remember to appreciate every small thing about you. there are so many things about you, and i love looking back on past letters and remembering how you used to be. i love remembering every second of your life, it's been a wild ride so far. i remember the moment you were born, i was so scared you'd be too small to breathe. i kept asking over and over again, anyone who passed me by, "is she ok?". little did i know, you were more than just "ok". you were perfect. and you've spent the last eleven months continuing that trend.
loving you with all i got,
mama
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