it's so ironic... i've spent the last few weeks desperately trying to get you to sleep through the night. now all i wanna do is run up to your room and wake you up and hold you and kiss you and make you giggle. i wanna watch you spit out your breakfast and throw your toys and pull my hair. anything. but i don't want you to sleep through the night. you can stay up with me all night, every night. i miss you.
i went back to work on your ten month birthday. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. i sometimes feel like i need to mourn the loss of the amazing relationship we had... like we're going to lose it. but i'm not letting myself let go. not being able to stay home with you all day every day will continue to be the hardest thing i ever have to do... but at the same time - loving you with all my heart is the easiest thing i've ever done. so i'm going to hold onto that. even though we wont see each other as much, i will save up all my love for you so that at the end of the day when i come home we can spend a few hours catching up, and loving each other harder than we've ever loved before.
this month you've discovered that just because you cant reach something, doesn't mean it's out of reach. what a great life lesson learned early on. you haven't mastered crawling yet, but you can pivot, and squirm and bounce your way all over. the first day you moved you went about two feet. now you can make it to the next room in a snap. all without raising a finger... or a knee for that matter. you are a squirmy little lizard. or a wizard. one of the two.
you and ava the cat are still major buddies. i bought you a fake cat so we can practice how to properly handle an animal with deadly claws and fangs. you are equally excited when you see your fake feline as you are when you see your real life feline. you reach out your chubby little hands and open your mouth really wide and SQUEEEZE it and shove as much fake cat into your mouth as you possibly can, and then SQUEEEAL in delight. fake cat is delicious. fake cat does not run. maybe i will just replace real life cat with fake cat. fake cat is much cheaper to maintain and will not ruin my furniture. also, in your benefit - fake cat is considerably easier to catch and devour.
speaking of eating... here are some things you've taught me about fine dining this month:
-sippy cups belong on the floor.
-food that you do not intend to eat must be smashed between your fingers, then angrily placed next to the sippy cup.
-EVERY proper dish includes a side of cheerios.
-bananas are offensive and cause immediate sealing of the lips, forcing the screams of banana distress to escape out the nose.
-rice cakes are like light airy crunchy pieces of gold and every little crumb must be savored. do not interrupt the savoring.
-when you can not speak english yet - food is a good medium... it's like interpretive dance. if you mush it and throw it that means it was not delicious, if you laugh so hard it sprays across the room that means it was definitely acceptable. your compliments to the chef.
holy moly i almost forgot about christmas. you had a great first christmas honey pie. you now officially own all of toys r us. you already owned all of babygap. you're not doing too bad for a 10 month old... but can we shoot for tiffany's next time? i mean toys are fun, clothes are fab, but seriously have you seen how sparkly some of those diamonds are? you like sparkly things! aim high. your birthday is in two months. i have faith in you.
christmas was amazing. you were SUCH a good girl. you laughed and smiled and opened all of your presents and stayed up way past your nap times and bed times and loved every minute of it. you were on santa's nice list for sure. santa got you a great stocking with sunglasses, socks, pacifiers, clips and blankets in it. he also got you a pink mini piano for christmas. you can already play it. you are so obviously a genius.
you're rounding the corner and approaching your first birthday. it's ridiculous how quickly time is flying by. i think i've said this almost every month, and i'll probably keep saying it till i'm old and gray... i just keep loving you more. it's truly an amazing thing. i think it's almost impossible to describe to people who are childless. its like a secret club. i was telling someone the other day how great you are. how you're so smiley and happy and well behaved and fun to be around... and he said to me "ALL mothers say that about their children." and i said to him, "ALL mothers believe it to be true." i remember very clearly, before i had you i viewed being a parent as never having a "life", never having a moment alone. let me tell you how thankful i am to have you keeping me company right now. you ARE my "life"... and i couldn't be happier about that.
i hope that one day when you're grown up and reading this you'll recognize that spending all day in an office, instead of in your arms just breaks my heart. it breaks it into a million little pieces and then kicks it in the crotch and sets its hair on fire. but i really believe that in the grand scheme of things that this is the way this part of life has to happen. hopefully someday i will figure out a way to be your full time mama again. then we'll find a way to look back and laugh. after all, we are really friggin fun.
love you like it's goin' outta style,
mama
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