an inbetweener

dear claire,

recently you've been going through a weird separation anxiety thing. basically you completely freak out if your father or i try to leave you with someone else. including people like your grandparents, or your daycare teacher who you've been with for a year. you very carefully watch us, and with a ninja's heightened awareness of your surroundings you immediately catch even a glance towards the door, or a reach for the keys. and you sound the alarms. i've never heard you scream and cry like this before. it's so sad, because, honey we HAVE to take you to daycare 4 times a week.

last week i was talking with someone who is planning on having children soon. she was asking me if it changes how you view the world. the answer, simply, was "yes". but it was pretty hard to explain. i guess it changes how i feel about the future. i care further than my own life expectancy. but there was something else i couldn't quite put to words. it made me feel differently about other people... but i didn't know why.

this week as i felt you pull my hair, trying to grab on to me, begging me not to leave - i was so heartbroken and so torn up inside. all i could think was, "this isn't right, i shouldn't have to leave my baby, she needs me and i need her". that's when i realized what it is that makes the world different when you're a parent... compassion.

not necessarily because people deserve it, or because i want to avoid burning in hell, but because as a parent you come to realize that everybody, young or old, kind or mean, pretty or ugly, stupid or smart, everybody is some body's baby. everybody has a mother who would give anything to have you treat HER baby with love, kindness, and compassion.

the guy who cut you off in traffic, or the wench client who sent you a nasty email, or the customer service rep at the cable company who is a few flowers short of a bouquet... every one of them has snuggled up in their mother arms, every one has been rocked to sleep, rushed to the pediatrician, and kissed on the forehead while they slept. every one of them has a mother who at some point in her life has shed a tear because her baby needed her, and she needed her baby.

so that's how being a parent changes you. fyi.


-mama