we all have these moments that define us as a parent. aside from all the regular moments we have, the dirty diapers and skinned knees and tantrums in public. the big defining moments are made up of those like when we watched our children take their first steps... or say "mama" for the first time. those moments fill your heart with more joy and love than you ever thought possible. i mean, before having you in my life i don't think i really knew what "joy" was. to me, it was just some disneyland way of saying "super happy". but then you came along and i feel it. i feel the disneyland happy. these defining moments are also made up of the bad stuff too. fear and worry and anxiety, like i've never felt it before.
this week you had a fever upwards of 105 degrees for 5 days straight. mid-way i actually saw the thermometer read 106.3. we spent more time at the pediatrician's, ER, and urgent care than at home. you didn't eat. you had fever baths several times a day and motrin and tylenol and ice and a lot of television and snuggles. i held my shit together. i argued with dr's who were too busy for you and stayed up basically all night taking your temperature and watching you breathe. i didn't feel anything but determination. ok, and a little stress.
yesterday i finally found a dr who didn't have his head up his ass. he gave you an antibiotic shot. and by the night time you were already feeling better. and even better yet, your blood tests came back, and you didn't have any of the horrible things they were afraid you might have. your fever went down. you layed in bed sleeping next to me.
and i just sobbed.
and then i couldnt stop. i didnt have to be strong anymore. you were ok and you were getting better. i thought about wednesday when i took your temperature with 3 different thermometers to confirm it was 106 and ran you to the bathroom to a cool bath, my heart pounding my chest thinking surely you'd start seizing at any moment. and thursday when the er dr rambled on about white counts, and friday when the urgent care nurse told me you'd lost 5 pounds. i didnt have to put on a reassuring face anymore and calmly rub your forehead in anticipation of a catheter, or sing you a song while they poked around for a vein to draw blood, or stare at your pale little face and offer you another sip of juice i knew you didnt want to take.
so i sobbed.
all the fear and hurt and worry i'd tucked away for 5 days just poured out. it was a shitty week. but we did it. you drank your juice even though you didn't want to, and i kept it together even though i felt like falling apart. we are quite the team, you and i.
so, these moments. the ones that fill you up with so much joy, joy you never thought was even possible. and the moments that hammer you down with so much fear that you think you'll break at any moment. those are the defining moments that remind you that being a parent isn't about who you are or what you do or who your friends are, what you drive, or where you live. being a parent is about being strong and being gracious, having hope, and being realistic, living through the happiness and the heartache - so that you can enjoy every single "regular" moment inbetween.
i'm ready for the regular moments to begin again.
i love you claire,
mama
this week you had a fever upwards of 105 degrees for 5 days straight. mid-way i actually saw the thermometer read 106.3. we spent more time at the pediatrician's, ER, and urgent care than at home. you didn't eat. you had fever baths several times a day and motrin and tylenol and ice and a lot of television and snuggles. i held my shit together. i argued with dr's who were too busy for you and stayed up basically all night taking your temperature and watching you breathe. i didn't feel anything but determination. ok, and a little stress.
yesterday i finally found a dr who didn't have his head up his ass. he gave you an antibiotic shot. and by the night time you were already feeling better. and even better yet, your blood tests came back, and you didn't have any of the horrible things they were afraid you might have. your fever went down. you layed in bed sleeping next to me.
and i just sobbed.
and then i couldnt stop. i didnt have to be strong anymore. you were ok and you were getting better. i thought about wednesday when i took your temperature with 3 different thermometers to confirm it was 106 and ran you to the bathroom to a cool bath, my heart pounding my chest thinking surely you'd start seizing at any moment. and thursday when the er dr rambled on about white counts, and friday when the urgent care nurse told me you'd lost 5 pounds. i didnt have to put on a reassuring face anymore and calmly rub your forehead in anticipation of a catheter, or sing you a song while they poked around for a vein to draw blood, or stare at your pale little face and offer you another sip of juice i knew you didnt want to take.
so i sobbed.
all the fear and hurt and worry i'd tucked away for 5 days just poured out. it was a shitty week. but we did it. you drank your juice even though you didn't want to, and i kept it together even though i felt like falling apart. we are quite the team, you and i.
so, these moments. the ones that fill you up with so much joy, joy you never thought was even possible. and the moments that hammer you down with so much fear that you think you'll break at any moment. those are the defining moments that remind you that being a parent isn't about who you are or what you do or who your friends are, what you drive, or where you live. being a parent is about being strong and being gracious, having hope, and being realistic, living through the happiness and the heartache - so that you can enjoy every single "regular" moment inbetween.
i'm ready for the regular moments to begin again.
i love you claire,
mama
5 comments:
What a terrible ordeal for both of you! So glad Claire is feeling better now and that you can hopefully get some much needed rest yourself. You are a wonderful mother, your love for Claire comes pouring through every word that you write to her.
Oh Katie......I'm sobbing right along side you. Gosh woman, you are an amazing mom AND an eloquent writer. Your style takes me there and back. SO glad your little one is feeling better. Here's to those regular moments!
Oh, I am so sorry you guys had to go through this! Thank goodness Claire is okay.
And sometimes sobbing and letting it all out is a good thing. We mama's have to be so strong all the time, sometimes when the little ones aren't looking we can have our moments too.
Hugs!
I love that little girl. I'm so glad she's feeling better.
Stop making me cry woman! *sobs*
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