eight months

dear claire,

this month has been a VERY busy month for you. you've learned to spit. which is such a charming quality. your nana taught you how to blow in peoples faces. extremely polite. you've figured out how to hit people, knock things off of tables, eat magazines, and lunge for objects like hot coffee, scissors and wine glasses. you are not very safe. cue the phase of your life where i can not take my eyes off you for even a second. not only because i love you and enjoy staring at your pretty face, but because you may be doing things like tampering with my bottle of xanax and eating glass. i expect that our lives will only get more exciting from here on out.

welcome, and enjoy your stay, mr. and mrs. two first teeth! we hope you like the accommodations provided by claire's mouth. it may be a rocky ride and you've definitely got your work cut out for you (see above - glass eating), however i can assure you that you will not go unnoticed. we truly appreciate every bucket load of drool, .o8ml of infant tylenol, and sleepless nights you've incurred leading up to your arrival. i hope you continue to grow and supply us with many years of hard work so that your extended voyage into claire's mouth will not be in vain. peace, love, and good luck.

this month you've learned how to play with your toys. you very carefully inspect your books. you bend over into sitting taco position so that you can get a good look. santa may bring you a magnifying glass for christmas. also, you love to bang on your drums, and hit your little disney music playing thingy you have. one day when you were really grumpy you hit your disney toy and it did not make music like it was supposed to. so you leaned over and got all up in its business and CRIED AT IT. "how DARE you not do as i say you stupid toy! maybe you need to go back to the toy academy and learn how to do your job!" then you hit it again. it started to play its music. your cries turned into a less sad whimper. you hit it again. nothing. then you screamed so loudly that i decided it was probably a good idea to take a nap. and i was right. when you cry at your toys for not obeying you - it's time to rethink the day.

i am very sad to say that you and ava the cat had a slight run-in this month. you were sitting patiently waiting to be fed and ava decided to keep you company. she inadvertently got a little too close. your eyes lit up, your arm reached out, your fat little finger touched her fur and like a bolt of lightening you clamped down your grabby little hand into her side and refused to let go. oh, until she BIT YOU. i have never seen ava so sad in my entire life. she totally knew that biting the baby was against the rules, but you gave her no choice! she looked so ashamed, so damaged, so undeserving of her miserable little life. you, on the other hand, didn't even notice. when she turned to bite you, you were so pleased at the attention she was giving you that you forgot what you were doing and released your death grip. she only gave you a little nibble that left a red mark for a few minutes, but it didn't break the skin. you know what DID break? ava's heart.

last week you and i went grocery shopping for the first time in months (they sell wine, baby food and lean cuisines at target - and that's all i really need). WHY, oh why do the people at the grocery store think that its a place to socialize? it's a place to purchase meat and liquor. that's it.

old lady stranger: OMG what a beautiful baby!

me: oh, thank you. (being polite, but in a please-stop talking to me kinda way)

old lady stranger: (turns to you) HI LITTLE GIRL, WELL AREN'T YOU A CUTIE PATOOTIE!

you: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (reaching for me HYSTERICALLY like someone is trying to murder you)

so i pick you up and turn the other direction.

old lady stranger: oh i guess she doesn't like me.

me: sorry

you: (calming down)

old lady stranger: (looks at you)

you: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

old lady stranger: (walks away)

from that point on, i kid you not, any time anyone in the store made eye contact with you, you would start to whimper. and you don't even wanna know what happened to the checker who tried to pinch your cheeks. he's lucky he's still alive. you are such a little social butterfly. i am so proud. stranger = danger

this month we "celebrated" your first halloween. ok, well i dressed you up in your costume for 20 minutes, took some pictures and then you went to bed. party animal. or should i say party bird?

every month you come up with all these new incredible things you can do. and every thing you do makes me love you even more. your spectrum of amazing just keeps expanding. i remember thinking you were so great when you were this little 4lb fetus in an incubator. you didn't even do anything, and i would get so excited to go see you. i would sit in the nicu rocking chair and stare at you and watch your belly move up and down. now, after a busy day of running errands you and i will pull up to the driveway and i'll open the back door do get you out of your car seat, but you are fast asleep. i will get back in the car and sit there in the back seat, right next to you, and take your little hand in mine and just relax. and stare at you. and breathe. and remember that in the blink of an eye you will be so grown up that you will be driving the car, instead of sleeping like a little angel in the back seat. my beautiful little angel.




love you more than its even possible,

mama

an inbetweener

i realized something today...

i was remembering when i was little, sitting at the dinner table talking to my mom. she'd ask me, "what did you do today?", and i'd think of the very best thing that happened to me that day to tell her about. then slowly, as i grew older there'd be some days where nothing good happened. over the last 10 years there's been weeks, maybe even months when the very best part of my day was the same part as the very worst part of my day. life was just boring and gray and sometimes sad, and sometimes nothing great happened.

tonight we were sitting on the couch. you were supposed to be in bed, but instead you were smiling and squealing and jumping around. as i sat there grinning and giggling with you i thought to myself - this is the greatest part of my day. since you were born i've never had a completely gray day. you claire, are the good thing that happens to me every day. you are my very very best thing.

thanks,

mama.

seven months

dear claire,

oh baby girl, i really love you. i loved you before you even did anything. i loved you before you moved, or took your first breath. i loved you with all my heart. now you have all these things you do. these things that beg for even more of my love. you are becoming this sweet silly, funny, loving little girl and i'm just totally obsessed with you. you have such a wonderful personality. you seem so smart and observant, always checking things out. inspecting, touching, learning and appreciating. you are never careless or clumsy. you do mostly everything on purpose.

i know that through the years you will do many things to brighten my life. lately i've discovered the biggest compliment i've ever received is from you. you look at me and you smile, and i can see my own characteristics in your smiling face. then i realize that not only have i done something to make you smile... but i made your actual smile too. and it's just so beautiful.

this month you've made a transition from a baby baby to a big girl baby. you've learned to sit by yourself, you dance, you smile when smiled at, laugh when laughed at, and your obsession with the cats has grown to an impossibly unhealthy level. it's really all you care about. lucky for you - YOU are all the cats care about... right back atcha. especially ava, she teases you with the flick of her tail and the rub of her nose. she gets just close enough to where you can ALMOST grab her tail - but ALAS - she has moved just barely one step too far away, one second too soon. she loves you back, but she loves you back from afar.

you invented a new game this month. its called "naptime is a good time for spitting out the pacifier, rolling over and singing like a tortured bird until mama comes to your rescue, and then smile... and then repeat". long title i know, but it really sums it up quite nicely. you may think you can wear me out, baby. you may think you can win, but you will never win. i need the exercise and i will gladly get up over and over again to retrieve your pacifer and flip you back to napping position because i have an advantage. i have a secret weapon. my secret weapon is called "i'm the mama and i always win". i know, not nearly as impressive as the title of your game, but it stings with truth and longevity. ALWAYS a winner = mama. be prepared for this to never change.

month six has been a month for hating strangers. and by "strangers" i mean anyone who is not the cat, your parents, or your own reflection. your pouty bottom lip shoots out at the mere SIGHT of an unauthorized individual attempting to acknowledge you. "don't even LOOK at me you ugly man", you say "...don't even PRETEND that you have been given permission to know me....". it's both hilarious and embarrassing. hilarious when you unleash on the creepy guy at starbucks, embarrassing when you cry at your papa. apparently the agonizing task of prioritizing your fans is scheduled for next month. what a tedious to-do list you must have.

the featured talent of the month is kicking your legs. last month you discovered their existence, this month you figured out what they're good for. turning the kitchen into a water park during bathtime, kicking your mama dead-center on her c-section incision (LOVING this one), kicking your legs so kung fu quickly that its almost impossible to grab them for a diaper change, avoiding socks, avoiding shoes, sometimes avoiding pants all together, dancing, kicking air, kicking ground, kicking god. mainly - kicking. kicking is fun. you encourage everyone to quit their job and sit at home and kick their legs all day long. kicking is neat. kicking. kicking. kicking is the new black. we embrace the kicking.

do you have any idea how gorgeous you are? i dont think we've EVER left the house and ventured out into to public without being stopped and told how beautiful you are. there have been many days when not a single person passed you by without smiling. you brighten peoples' lives by merely existing, by just being yourself. i know this will never change. i can already see your beautiful personality that pours out of your big blue eyes and i know that you will be loved. not a single person can even LOOK at you without their day improving, if only a tiny bit. you pass by them and instantly they catch a glimpse of pure beauty and the sweet innocent bliss of a baby. now, just imagine how i feel... i made you, and i get to hold you all day, every day.



snuggling you, kissing you, and loving you forever.

mama

six months

dear claire,

happy half birthday. last year at this time i had just found out i was pregnant. i stood in the bathroom staring at a white stick with 2 bright blue lines staring back up at me. you took my breath away then and you continue to take my breath away now. it's amazing to think that just one year ago this week your heart had just began to start working. i remember the ultrasound tech pointing out to me the "beginning flickers of a heart beat" on the screen. you were smaller than a half of a pea, and yesterday you ate peas for lunch.

this month you've mastered the fine art of rolling over. its the most annoying milestone you've met thus far. i mean, ok... thumbs up and everything but practicing your new found talent at 1am... and 3am... and 6am... seems a little excessive. remember the good ole days when you used to sleep through the night? now every few hours you roll over, FLAIL AROUND AIMLESSLY, stick your arm and leg through the slats in the crib and wedge them in there until you can't move and then scream for help. you know what might help you? velcro.

horray for the mall! last week you made it through a 3-hour trip to the mall without completely losing it. you whimpered once when you dropped your pacifier and once when some crazy asian lady tried to squeeze you. other than that you were a perfect lady. im convinced that your sudden change in heart is a direct result of the fact that i purchased the babygap store in its entirety. you know whats good for you, don't you? clothing. pacifiers. diversity.

you really are getting a kick out of singing in the last few weeks. especially "the isty bitsy spider". that is your FAVORITE SONG. guess why? because its the only children's song i know. sorry. but to my credit, i can also do the hand motions that go along with it. you especially enjoy the part where the sun "dries up all the rain". my arms are over my head recreating the shape of the sun, and i lean from side to side to signify the "drying" of the rain. i don't even know. i think i may have made that part up, but it totally makes sense. this song makes you VERY happy. i try not to do it TOO often though, because i'm afraid that one day we'll be out in a public place and you'll start crying for me to do the song. then i'll sing it, and you'll cry harder because i'm not doing the hand motions. then i'll be forced to look stupid in public so that my screaming child doesn't turn blue from refusing to breathe. but i have a feeling i will get over this. much like i have gotten over my resistance to own "brightly colored things". i used to live in a very monotone world until you came along. now the living room looks like gay pride parade exploded. you are wearing on me. its only a matter of time before im sporting a disney jump suit and pink glitter shoelaces, running around clapping my hands and insisting that people to do things to show they are happy and they know it.

this month we gave you solids for the first time. WHY they call it "solids"... i do not know. it is quite un-solid if you ask me. following dr.'s orders we started with organic rice cereal. yu-um. you didn't love it. you were slightly confused, a bit disgusted, and completely intrigued by the cat for some reason. hello this is like the most important day of your life so far - eating something that doesn't smell like feet, and you are hypnotized by the stupid fat cat who sleeps in your bumbo. oh, the best part about the entire experience... just as i was about to sneak another spoon full of mush into your mouth - you turned your head and i jabbed you in the eye. and we caught it on video. some day when you stumble across the footage i will take you out to lunch as an apology. maybe i'll let you shovel something "solid" in my eye too.

so here we are... a half a year down. you are exiting "phase newborn" right before my very eyes. you totally kicked butt. major. you've quadrupled your weight. and you've quadrupled the size of my heart. thank god you did... otherwise i don't know where i'd keep all the love.

love you for another 140 half years baby,

-your mama

five months

dear my lady,

congratulations and welcome to five months old. since you're such a big girl now, we've bumped your curfew to 6pm and if you keep your grades up we'll let you have a corona with dinner.

i remember when you were super crazy tiny and people would tell me "don't wish away the newborn stage, they grow up SO FAST." i would gaze at them with drowsy, delirious eyes and remind myself that THEY didn't have to wake up every 3 hours every single day, only to be rewarded with ear-piercing screams and poop diapers. i would sit around in a zombie-like state with baby puke running down my cleavage and mascara all over my face, day dreaming of your future smiles and chuckles and ability to hold up your own head. guess what, baby? THAT DAY HAS COME.

you are super fun now. this month you've found both your feet and your hands. fists are the most delicious things you have ever tasted in your entire life. you are so happy to see them each time. when you get bored you start to get really mad. you look around angrily - there must be something interesting around here - and then voila! a fist appears out of thin air, just waiting to be gnawed on. and just when it seems life couldn't get any better, something catches your eye... is it?... no... it couldn't be... A FOOT! i was watching you the first moment you realized your foot was attached to your body and you could make it do stuff. you seemed really confused. it will all make sense soon enough, i promise. you'll use that foot to kick some ass eventually.

you've become quite independent this month. you are trying your hardest to hold you own bottle. i consider this good practice for future wine bottle holding. not to mention the fact that this frees up mama's hand to hold my own bottle. very important. you've also discovered that your voice does a little more that ahhhh and ooooo.... it also SQUEALS. like a mermaid. every time you squeal i look over and expect you to be on the verge of tears. your squeal sounds so mad! but you are happy. you couldn't be any happier if your squeals were laced with nipples and clean diapers. you've just discovered a new sound you're capable of sharing with the world. and you are forcing everyone to love the sound of a high pitched, glass breaking, ear drum shattering squeal.... all because you accompany it with your adorable smile.

This month you celebrated your first 4th of july. you are very patriotic. we went to the yacht club with the cusworth's. you stayed awake pretty much the entire time. it was ridiculous. i tried to lay you in your stroller, but standing strong on your "refusing to use anything with the laura ashley cantebury print" rule, you opted out of a stroller nap. much like you have continuously opted out of your car seat. your carphobia came close to giving me a stroke last week driving home from the zoo - so we didn't even go home. with you FLIPPING OUT in the back seat i drove to your nana's, handed my sweet little hysterical baby to her and headed to target to buy you a new carseat. your carphobia has almost completely disappeared. apparently eddie bauer is much more acceptable than laura ashley. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

you've been telling us lots of stories lately. most of them involve "ah-goo", "hoo", and "lala", and almost all of them end happily with squeals of delight and a good fist gnawing session. you tell much more exciting stories than i do. most of mine involve "yahoo", "ho", and "yomama", and usually end with the revelation that i am better than everyone else. sometimes when you notice i may be feeling left out you grab my finger and try to gnaw on MY hand. or my shoulder, or my eyelid. really, whatever is closest. i am the most delicious mama ever.

speaking of delicious, have you any idea how delicious you are? you keep getting better and better. perfection is hard to improve on (i would know), but you manage to do it every single day. your legs keep getting longer, your eyes brighter, your smile bigger, you skin softer, your voice sweeter, your arms stronger, your laugh louder... you just, you really complete me. i didn't even know my life was missing something so huge and important until you came along and filled it up. and every moment you grow, i grow with you - as a mother, and a person. you give me an excuse to feel good, even during times when there's not much to feel good about.

i just love you,

mama

four months

dear baby girl,

happy 4 month birthday! it's amazing how the time is flying by. it seems like just five seconds ago you were a skinny little fetus who never opened her eyes and didn't even have the energy to cry. now you have more fat rolls than mama (yes!), and you are bright eyed and bushy tailed trying to sit up all by yourself and basically be the boss of everyone.

this month you've become incredibly aware of your surroundings. you spend your waking hours paying attention to everything around you. you ooooooh and aaaaaah in response to people's voices, you look surprised a lot, and you smile like a kid in a candy store (or a breastfed baby in a topless bar). you really enjoy checkin' things out... sometimes its as simple as watching tivo'd episodes of the office with mama or as complex as counting all the lesbian cats we have.

alas, the best part of your wonderful world of awareness includes your decision to hate the car. as soon as your car seat clicks into its base you scream like you've just been told that santa is nothing but a big fat scientologist. and you don't stop. ever. you get louder if we stop at a red light. you get louder when i try to calm you. louder if i turn the music up or down, the air warmer or cooler, the windows open or closed. any effort on my part to make your noise stop just intensifies the blood curdling shrieks. on the bright side... i can drive like a total jerk, because there is no way any cop will ever have the guts to give me a ticket. honestly, he wouldn't even be able to ask me for my license and registration because NOBODY CAN HEAR ANYTHING OVER YOUR LOVELY VOICE. so... thank you, for that.

on to new claire developments...

after you sneeze you make the cutest little noise, like - "aaaahhhm". please never stop doing that. its the sweetest post sneeze sound i've ever heard. totally masks the grossness of the drool dripping off the lampshade in the aftermath of your mouth explosion.

when we're feeding you and you are ready to burp you raise your left arm up. it's like a little lever letting us know you are full. how did you get so smart? i must have had something to do with it. your daddy still does not know which drawer the wine opener goes in... so obviously i've got all the brains.

you're sleeping about 10 hours at night now. high fiver! we did however discover that diapers are not designed to hold 10 hours worth of pee. and herein lies our first big parental decision: let the baby sleep in a puddle of her own pee, or wake the sleeping baby for a diaper change and risk no longer having a sleeping baby? after many moments of thought i decided this... if the sleeping baby did not like laying in her pee she would wake up on her own. i mean really, it's all nice and warm, and pee is sterile, and i change your crib sheet after you pee on it! no harm no foul. let sleeping (peeing) babies lie.

so here we are, four months later. i remember when you were born, looking at toys that were labeled "four months and up" and feeling that day would never come. you were always going to be a tiny little baby bunny. and now you're all strong and curious and just beautiful. you're an amazing baby. just a little hint of a smile on your face warms my ice cold heart. i can't get enough of you. some days i just carry you around the house with me all day till you fall asleep for your nap. your chubby little hands hold on to me tight when i carry you... please don't ever let go sweetie, and i wont either.




love you for always,

mama

three months

dear claire,

congrats on eating, sleeping and pooping your way to 3 months old. you are quite a little loli-pop. it's truly amazing how you change every single day. every morning daddy gets you out of your crib and brings me a different baby than the one we put to bed the night before. you are so happy all morning long. especially during your diaper changes. apparently having someone else wipe your butt for you is a very pleasant experience. i can only imagine. you are also beginning to make some new noises and starting to have a little voice. you used to sound like a lamb and/or a donkey. now you sound like a little monkey. we love it.

something great happened this month, baby. you love to smile! turns out, i was right. you'd been saving them up. and now you are practically laughing at us. you really have the cutest smile i've ever seen. you get this look on your face like, "i have no idea what's going on, but you people are totally nuts." your smile is my favorite thing about you, and it makes me feel the urge to drink less often than when you screamed at me all day. always a plus.

this month you went on your very first vacation. happy memorial day. we went to the lake with some friends. though you loved the rocking boat and the wind in your face, you did not love the life vest. i sincerely apologize for getting you a crappy one. i will make sure to get a more slimming vest before we go again. it was a long car ride to the lake as well, and you paid us the courtesy of having the most disgusting diaper explosion of your life before we got on the freeway. next time, aim for before we get in the car... but you get an A+ for effort.

i'm thoroughly impressed with your keeping up with the non-preemies. you are reaching for things, and turning your head to see who has walked into the room. you are super close to rolling over, and last night for the very first time you slept for SEVEN hours straight. i put you to bed at 9pm and woke up at 4am thinking i was in an alternate universe. your dad was out of town, so i think he thinks i'm making it up. i could be. or it could just be that you know mommy is only as pretty as she is because she needs (and gets) her beauty sleep.

love you to the moon and back miss claire.

-mama