fourteen months

dear claire,

14 months seems like it should be fairly anti-climactic. sorta like turning 23, or 77, or a hangover that lasts till january 2nd. but alas, you've found a way to make it special. you started taking steps this month! very gusty lunging steps into your mama's arms. maybe it's the fifth tooth, or the eighth ear infection, or the fact that i've been spiking your formula with steroids, but you are such a big girl, and you have no fear. you were standing by your fire truck looking at me like - "yeah, i can stand on my own, so what... take a picture it will last longer..." and i took a picture (so it would last longer) and then i held out my arms and said "come here to mama!" and you took two giant crazy baby steps and threw yourself into my arms. next on my list of things to dare you to do: "win the lotto for mama!" and "pour wine for mama!". don't worry, i have a whole list. we will get through it together.







you love dogs so much. so i got you a book that is essentially 17 dollars worth of dog photographs on cardboard. like seriously, there aren't even any words. publishers are smart. you are one year old. you cant read, nor can you sit long enough for me to read to you. but you know what you can do? violently throw 17 dollars worth of cardboard while screaming "DAAAAAAAAWG! DAAAAWWWWG! DUH! DUH! DAAAWGGG!" anyways, it's your favorite book, and assuming that it doesnt end up as evidence in an attempted murder trial (you've got quite an arm on you), some day you can pass it down to your very own dog loving child. hey, it's cheaper than buying an actual DAAAWG









this month you gave the world its first taste of toddler 'tude. here's an example:
toddler wants lipgloss tube. mama is using lipgloss tube. toddler yells out in despair! mama finishes glossing her lips and gives toddler the freaking lipgloss tube. toddler dramatically turns away as if to say I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE. mama insists toddler please take the GD lipgloss tube. toddler throws lipgloss tube and avoids eye contact with evil gloss hogging mama.







this month you marked your territory in the condo. i'm mean, finally, right?... how long was it gunna be until one of us peed on the carpet? so, here's how it went down:

you have a firetruck ride along push along toy thingy. you know what i'm talking about... it's decorated with really bright seizure inducing colors and makes lots of noise and gives you a dangerously false sense of security that you can "walk"... until you run it into a wall and smash your face in. one of those. so, today we got home from lunch and it was ridiculously hot out and we were both wearing jeans and all hot and sweaty so i took off your pants... then i'm like what the hell, and i took off your diaper and shirt and let you run (crawl) around and air out. i'm nice. you crawled over to your fire truck. you stood up. you lifted one leg up in the air. you placed your foot on the bell so the firetruck siren was going off. WOOOOO WOOOO WOOOOOO!!!!!!!! and then you put out the fire. like a dog. with one leg up. WOOOOO WOOOO WOOOOOO!!!!!!!! i've never been so proud (or so happy to have carpet cleaner on hand).





it's so hard not having you 100% of the time. it feels really unnatural. and it's not getting better. i guess i didn't expect it to get better. there's nothing 'better' about having an increasing amount of babyless time under your belt when you're a mother. i hear other mothers talk about needing a break, or time to themselves. i get it, i know the circumstances are different. but it really puts things into perpective for me. i never want a break from you. ever. i guess you don't really know what you're missing, until you're missing it. i went from not even wanting to have children, to hurting deep down in my heart just to see your face. when i hear your voice at 3am awake and wanting a bottle, i'm so happy. maybe our "circumstances" make me a better parent than i would have been. because really i just wanna spend every waking hour with you (even the hours that people shouldn't be awakin' at), and i know that's not normal. i wanna tell the other moms... i get all the "breaks" and i get all the "me time"... and when you really really have it, and you can't give it back - it sucks. maybe that's one of those things that's just nice to dream about.





on a happier note... you're a good snuggler. sometimes i get really selfish and when i go to bed at night i get you from your crib and i bring you into bed with me. why? that falls under parenting clause 247 section B "because i'm the mom and i feel like it". there are few things better than falling asleep staring at perfection. watching your chest rise and fall, knowing that the first time you did that was in my belly... staring at your sweet little lips and how they pucker just like mine... brushing your soft baby curls away from your eyes... holding your chubby little hand when you're too sleepy to pull it away... it just doesn't get much better than that.



oh wait, it does...

last week i woke up to you twirling my hair in your fingers. just like you twirl yours when i give you your night time bottle, it's your peaceful way of passing time and relaxing. you were laying on your side staring at my face, waiting for me to wake up, twirling my hair. when i opened my eyes you sat up right away. you grabbed my hand and put it on your hair, and rest your head on my tummy. so i twirled your hair too. if i could, i would quit my job and lay in bed and play with your hair and snuggle you all day. you love when i kiss your earlobes, and tickle your toes, and when i put out my arms and say "mama?" you throw yourself into my arms. i couldnt give you the full term pregancy you should have had, or the breast milk you'd have been better off with, or the unbroken family you deserved. but at 6:45 a.m. on a tuesday morning i gave you exactly what you needed. a mama to play with your hair.

sometimes, love is all we need.



love you twirly girlie,

mama

thirteen months

dear claire,

lucky thirteen!

this month you are a major stander. you are standing so hard that you do creative things with your hands just to prove you don't need them. such as... finding granola bar wrappers and stuffing them down your shirt, waving at yourself, twirling you hair, throwing gang signs, and voting for democrats. where does your knowledge end?

this month we visited the easter bunny at the mall. last year i told you that easter sunday is the easter bunny's birthday... but this year you are getting baptized (and your nana is reading this) so i reminded you that JESUS IS RISEN (and i may have told you that the easter bunny at the mall was in fact a huge giant magical cheerio beef kitty cat) and that is why you loved the bunny so dearly. hmm. either way, you had a major blast and you definitely love bunnies more than santas. but really, you love both risen and birthed jesus. amen.

you are famous. ok... you are famous in chatsworth. the head daycare lady was saying that you are a selling point for the center and everytime she takes a potential daycare mom on a tour you smile and wave and giggle and yell out that they feed you caviar and wipe your butt with gold. i propose that they pay me to LET you hang out there and promote their establishment. you are so much better than them. just yesterday i saw some kid CRAWLING around that joint. uh, HELLO!? you can totally STAND. crawling is so daycare circa 2007.

back to the easter bunny... i found something that i definitely need to teach you about soon - empathy. like i said, you had goodtimes with the rabbit. the kid getting his picture taken after you... he did not. apparently, this is funny. this month i learned that when you are one year old there is nothing funnier than a two year old who thinks the easter bunny is going to murder him. this kid was LOSING his shit. he was completely hysterical, arched back, kicking legs, buckets of tears streaming down his red face... and there you were... LAUGHING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. the mall security almost arrested you for "felonly insensitivity". be careful. mama is all out of bail money... chardonnay is like $9 a glass at the food court.

last month i wrote about your new skill - waving. you had it DOWN PAT. major waver girl. then at some point over the last few weeks you realized you were doing it wrong. everyone is waving at YOU. so you turned your chubby little hand around and started waving at you too. it makes perfect sense. you can also clap without actually making a clapping sound, play peekaboo with the cover of people magazine (prior to eating it), and best of all - you finally say "MAMA". you have no idea what it means, but i'll take it. there are a bunch of words i use that i have no idea what they mean. like "frugal" and "long division".

finally. we bonded. i know it seems stupid to be all like "hello i just bonded with my 13 month old...". WHATEVER. when you were born you were so tiny and fragile - there was no bonding. then you got all acid refluxy and you hated everything... no bonding. then you were all like "hello! my reflux is under control and i am so the boss of everyone, including you!"... we didn't really bond. but then, last week, i was picking you up from your dad's house. i was sitting on the floor and you crawled over to me, climbed up onto my lap, wrapped your chubby arms around me tight and laid your head on my chest. in that silly little moment, i wasnt just the lady who feeds you - or the girl who doesn't gag when you poop - or the chick who you prefer over strangers - i was your MAMA. the lady who always has, always does, and always will love everything about you. i was the person who you knew would hug you back and rest my head on yours. ever since then, we've changed. we hug harder, we look longer and we know each other better. we're a team.

loving you even more than i did last season,

-your coach (mama)

twelve months

dear claire,

in four hours you will turn one year old. oh. my. god. how did this happen? since when are tiny little preemies allowed to grow up into big giant toddlers IN LIKE 45 SECONDS?!?!? you are very quick, speedy mcfastyson, and i would like to put in a request that this year you bring it down a couple notches. there is no hurry to grow up and become an adult. most of them suck anyways.







oh i wish i could bottle up your smile. it's seriously contagious. if you keep it up, all the angry people of the world are going to have to get vaccinated. whenever we're out and about you seek out people to smile at. you look around until you find the closest person and then start smiling in anticipation of them turning to look at you. it's hilarious. i can't tell you how many complete strangers you've made laugh out loud in the middle of the grocery store. they are just going about their day and they look up to see you staring and smiling as hard as you can. it's like you think you're in a parade, and you are the parade queen on the big fancy float smiling at the crowd.








and the waving... last month you were doing an arm flap kinda wave, which was great and all, but nothing compared to the hand opening and closing wave that you've got goin' on now. you learned how to do it about a week ago... and you can not be stopped. you wave at everything and everyone all of the time. you get SO excited when people wave back to you. it's like you've accomplished your mission and you are so proud. wow, i seriously think you may have a future in the parade industry.

your top teeth have started to poke through! and your ears are apparently your worst enemy. your poor melon has not had a good month. you've had 4 back to back ear infections in about 6 weeks. on friday i'm taking you to the ear nose and throat dr. you are such a trooper. you have committed some major smack down on antibiotics. they dont even work anymore. you've been on 3 different kinds - several different times. you are SO good about taking your medicine. you always open for it and you never spit it out. kind of like how i am with chardonnay! we = twins.







you're standing!!! ...well, almost. yesterday you stood for like 10 seconds straight. longest ever. you totally know what you're doing, too. you're so sick of crawling around like a second class citizen. i have a feeling once your ears are better you will be walking in no time. you are so ready and willing. you are a PARADE QUEEN for christ's sake. crawling is for amputees and sloppy drunks. duh.






our first month in the condo is going well. you like it here. you are especially liking that i do not have any living room furniture yet. this allows you to have FORTY SQUILLION TOYS and still plenty of room to crawl around like a maniac hunting down pieces of fuzz, day old cheerios, and electrical outlets. we really have a blast.




one year down, a whole bunch more to go. you've officially made me smile every single one of the last 365 days (ok, a few times i was smiling because you were asleep). my tiny little 4lb preemie is now a gorgeous 23lb one year old... and my tiny little ticker is now a big giant heart completely overflowing with love for you. i'm so happy we met.



love you 365 times more than anyone has ever loved,

mama