thirteen months

dear claire,

lucky thirteen!

this month you are a major stander. you are standing so hard that you do creative things with your hands just to prove you don't need them. such as... finding granola bar wrappers and stuffing them down your shirt, waving at yourself, twirling you hair, throwing gang signs, and voting for democrats. where does your knowledge end?

this month we visited the easter bunny at the mall. last year i told you that easter sunday is the easter bunny's birthday... but this year you are getting baptized (and your nana is reading this) so i reminded you that JESUS IS RISEN (and i may have told you that the easter bunny at the mall was in fact a huge giant magical cheerio beef kitty cat) and that is why you loved the bunny so dearly. hmm. either way, you had a major blast and you definitely love bunnies more than santas. but really, you love both risen and birthed jesus. amen.

you are famous. ok... you are famous in chatsworth. the head daycare lady was saying that you are a selling point for the center and everytime she takes a potential daycare mom on a tour you smile and wave and giggle and yell out that they feed you caviar and wipe your butt with gold. i propose that they pay me to LET you hang out there and promote their establishment. you are so much better than them. just yesterday i saw some kid CRAWLING around that joint. uh, HELLO!? you can totally STAND. crawling is so daycare circa 2007.

back to the easter bunny... i found something that i definitely need to teach you about soon - empathy. like i said, you had goodtimes with the rabbit. the kid getting his picture taken after you... he did not. apparently, this is funny. this month i learned that when you are one year old there is nothing funnier than a two year old who thinks the easter bunny is going to murder him. this kid was LOSING his shit. he was completely hysterical, arched back, kicking legs, buckets of tears streaming down his red face... and there you were... LAUGHING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. the mall security almost arrested you for "felonly insensitivity". be careful. mama is all out of bail money... chardonnay is like $9 a glass at the food court.

last month i wrote about your new skill - waving. you had it DOWN PAT. major waver girl. then at some point over the last few weeks you realized you were doing it wrong. everyone is waving at YOU. so you turned your chubby little hand around and started waving at you too. it makes perfect sense. you can also clap without actually making a clapping sound, play peekaboo with the cover of people magazine (prior to eating it), and best of all - you finally say "MAMA". you have no idea what it means, but i'll take it. there are a bunch of words i use that i have no idea what they mean. like "frugal" and "long division".

finally. we bonded. i know it seems stupid to be all like "hello i just bonded with my 13 month old...". WHATEVER. when you were born you were so tiny and fragile - there was no bonding. then you got all acid refluxy and you hated everything... no bonding. then you were all like "hello! my reflux is under control and i am so the boss of everyone, including you!"... we didn't really bond. but then, last week, i was picking you up from your dad's house. i was sitting on the floor and you crawled over to me, climbed up onto my lap, wrapped your chubby arms around me tight and laid your head on my chest. in that silly little moment, i wasnt just the lady who feeds you - or the girl who doesn't gag when you poop - or the chick who you prefer over strangers - i was your MAMA. the lady who always has, always does, and always will love everything about you. i was the person who you knew would hug you back and rest my head on yours. ever since then, we've changed. we hug harder, we look longer and we know each other better. we're a team.

loving you even more than i did last season,

-your coach (mama)

twelve months

dear claire,

in four hours you will turn one year old. oh. my. god. how did this happen? since when are tiny little preemies allowed to grow up into big giant toddlers IN LIKE 45 SECONDS?!?!? you are very quick, speedy mcfastyson, and i would like to put in a request that this year you bring it down a couple notches. there is no hurry to grow up and become an adult. most of them suck anyways.







oh i wish i could bottle up your smile. it's seriously contagious. if you keep it up, all the angry people of the world are going to have to get vaccinated. whenever we're out and about you seek out people to smile at. you look around until you find the closest person and then start smiling in anticipation of them turning to look at you. it's hilarious. i can't tell you how many complete strangers you've made laugh out loud in the middle of the grocery store. they are just going about their day and they look up to see you staring and smiling as hard as you can. it's like you think you're in a parade, and you are the parade queen on the big fancy float smiling at the crowd.








and the waving... last month you were doing an arm flap kinda wave, which was great and all, but nothing compared to the hand opening and closing wave that you've got goin' on now. you learned how to do it about a week ago... and you can not be stopped. you wave at everything and everyone all of the time. you get SO excited when people wave back to you. it's like you've accomplished your mission and you are so proud. wow, i seriously think you may have a future in the parade industry.

your top teeth have started to poke through! and your ears are apparently your worst enemy. your poor melon has not had a good month. you've had 4 back to back ear infections in about 6 weeks. on friday i'm taking you to the ear nose and throat dr. you are such a trooper. you have committed some major smack down on antibiotics. they dont even work anymore. you've been on 3 different kinds - several different times. you are SO good about taking your medicine. you always open for it and you never spit it out. kind of like how i am with chardonnay! we = twins.







you're standing!!! ...well, almost. yesterday you stood for like 10 seconds straight. longest ever. you totally know what you're doing, too. you're so sick of crawling around like a second class citizen. i have a feeling once your ears are better you will be walking in no time. you are so ready and willing. you are a PARADE QUEEN for christ's sake. crawling is for amputees and sloppy drunks. duh.






our first month in the condo is going well. you like it here. you are especially liking that i do not have any living room furniture yet. this allows you to have FORTY SQUILLION TOYS and still plenty of room to crawl around like a maniac hunting down pieces of fuzz, day old cheerios, and electrical outlets. we really have a blast.




one year down, a whole bunch more to go. you've officially made me smile every single one of the last 365 days (ok, a few times i was smiling because you were asleep). my tiny little 4lb preemie is now a gorgeous 23lb one year old... and my tiny little ticker is now a big giant heart completely overflowing with love for you. i'm so happy we met.



love you 365 times more than anyone has ever loved,

mama

approaching one whole year...

in honor of your first birthday approaching i'm writing to you about gifts. specifically the gifts you've given me. when you showed up in this world you didn't come empty handed, you came with lessons. it's impossible to be a parent and not learn anything from your child. in fact - people who refuse to learn from their children are usually pretty miserable. you've taught me about two things this year: patience and unconditional love.

patience

you've taught me that patience isn't just sitting quietly with your hands folded in your lap. true patience is throwing a party in the waiting room. i've learned to enjoy the present while waiting for the future.

having a child is all about waiting. first you have to wait 9 months to meet your baby, then you have to wait for her to hold up her head, sleep through the night, sit, crawl, speak... it's a constant waiting game. even strangers play the game with you. when i'm out in public with you i'm frequently asked, "how old is she?" followed by, "is she walking?", "is the sleeping through the night?". part of being a cool, calm and collected parent is fighting the temptation to sit around anxiously awaiting completion of the next milestone.

when i think about you growing up i can't help but day dream about your future. will you be good in school, who will take you to prom, what will you be when you grow up...? but then i look at your face, and you look back and smile at me, and in that moment the future fades away and all i care about is the right now. you've taught me that part of being patient is savoring the right nows. looking forward to the day you walk, while being thankful you can't run away from me yet. looking forward to the day you sleep through the night, while enjoying your 2am snuggles. even patiently waiting for the day you understand the meaning of "gentle" and stop ripping my hair out or trying to murder the cat, while appreciating that you're learning, and i get to be your teacher. i no longer patiently sit on the edge of my seat. you've given patience a whole new meaning. life is more fun when you spend your time celebrating the present, rather than anticipating the future.

unconditional love

i never knew the true meaning of unconditional love until i met you. when i was in sixth grade religion class our teacher told us that god loves us unconditionally. i asked her if that meant that if i spit and said the f word if he'd still love me. she said yes. so all along i've thought that unconditional love means that you love somebody even if they do terrible things.

i realize now that the true meaning of unconditional love is knowing and loving someone so completely that you understand why they do what they do, and if you don't understand, then you seek out the answer. by doing this you are loving the person for what they are - not in spite of what they aren't. i think so many people take the meaning of unconditional love for granted... "oh my daughter is a trouble maker, but i'm her mother so i love her anyways..." no. not it.

true unconditional love is caring so deeply about a person that you have the desire to understand what makes them tick. i want to know why you do what you do and feel what you feel. i love you so hard that there is NOTHING in this world you could do to change that. not because i'd let your actions slide, but because i will have come to understand the person you've become and i will know what you meant. once you can follow someones true intentions, unconditional love comes easily. i will never love you despite your actions and choices. i will always love you for them. that's unconditional.

--

so here we are, coming up to one whole year. i look at you in amazement of all the ways you've changed. and then i look at myself in amazement of all the ways you've changed me. you've made me a better person, you've made me a stronger woman, but most importantly - you've made me a mother. that's the greatest gift of all.

thank you.

your mama

eleven months

dear claire,

a year ago this week my OB put me on bedrest, so its fitting that now's the time you learn to crawl. quite the exact opposite of bedrest for me, actually. i sort of wish i would have rested a little harder. in fact, looking back i wish i'd started bedrest like 10 years ago. then i might be rested enough... at least enough to get me through one week.

you, my dear, are so awesome. you are babbling up a freaking storm. you'd always been a very quiet baby. taking it all in... observing those crazy people who raise you... then about a month ago WHAM - you speak. dada mama lala blah blah all day long. you just crawl around the house speaking your fancy language and telling everyone where to shove it. you call the cat "abba" (ava), you can say dog, and duck and you know the difference. you say "hi" and wave at people. i have no idea how you learned to wave. i did not teach you. one day you just did it. you are so polite.

the crawling is hilarious. the first thing you officially crawled a good distance for was my cell phone. then an electrical cord. then the cat. forget about the fact that you own all of toys r us. you apparently wish you owned all of circuit city and a small zoo. poor ava's quality of life has significantly decreased. you do not allow her to sit still. if she is on your floor - it's fair game. she waits until you get about 6 inches from her and then backs up a few feet. she will do this a few times and then jump up to the table and hatefully gaze at you. sometimes i think she actually wants you to catch her... and put her out of her misery.

you're also trying to stand on your own. you pull yourself up on your little table so well. usually i'm sitting right behind you waiting to catch you if you fall. you've learned that you can blindly let go, lean backwards, and land in my lap. you think its funny, because for a brief moment you are standing on your own. that's a very dangerous thing because i'm not always sitting behind you... and you can not stand alone. yet.

you've successfully gotten through a whole month of daycare (school). you are totally the popular girl sitting at the cool lunch table with the brand new trapper keeper. they LOVE you. i'm not surprised, you are really fun. they love your smile, and your laugh, and the way your whole face lights up when you're happy. you continue to brighten every life you touch, even if its just a little. i was really scared you'd either hate school, or love it and not miss me. but you've managed to find the perfect balance. you're happy to see your teacher each morning, and even happier to see me each evening. i'm still working on a way to be your full time mama again, but in the meantime i think you're happy at your new school.

this coming month is going to be different. tomorrow you and i are moving to a condo a few blocks away. this is the month you will look back on some day and wonder if it was your fault. it wasn't. if anything, your coming to this world almost helped fix things for a moment. but when push came to shove your dad and i found that we just weren't happy together, and it'd be better for all of us to be apart. i can only hope that you grow up to understand that this, though not the typical dreamy cookie cutter life - is the best life for us at the moment. i keep trying to remind myself that two happy households are better than one unhappy household... but inside my heart is aching for you to have a family that's not broken. i'm so sorry we couldn't fix it.

wow. you're almost a year old. i feel like the last eleven months have happened in one big breath. writing you these letters really helps me to slow down and reflect on how you've grown each month. it helps me to remember to appreciate every small thing about you. there are so many things about you, and i love looking back on past letters and remembering how you used to be. i love remembering every second of your life, it's been a wild ride so far. i remember the moment you were born, i was so scared you'd be too small to breathe. i kept asking over and over again, anyone who passed me by, "is she ok?". little did i know, you were more than just "ok". you were perfect. and you've spent the last eleven months continuing that trend.

loving you with all i got,

mama

ten months

dear claire,

it's so ironic... i've spent the last few weeks desperately trying to get you to sleep through the night. now all i wanna do is run up to your room and wake you up and hold you and kiss you and make you giggle. i wanna watch you spit out your breakfast and throw your toys and pull my hair. anything. but i don't want you to sleep through the night. you can stay up with me all night, every night. i miss you.

i went back to work on your ten month birthday. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. i sometimes feel like i need to mourn the loss of the amazing relationship we had... like we're going to lose it. but i'm not letting myself let go. not being able to stay home with you all day every day will continue to be the hardest thing i ever have to do... but at the same time - loving you with all my heart is the easiest thing i've ever done. so i'm going to hold onto that. even though we wont see each other as much, i will save up all my love for you so that at the end of the day when i come home we can spend a few hours catching up, and loving each other harder than we've ever loved before.

this month you've discovered that just because you cant reach something, doesn't mean it's out of reach. what a great life lesson learned early on. you haven't mastered crawling yet, but you can pivot, and squirm and bounce your way all over. the first day you moved you went about two feet. now you can make it to the next room in a snap. all without raising a finger... or a knee for that matter. you are a squirmy little lizard. or a wizard. one of the two.

you and ava the cat are still major buddies. i bought you a fake cat so we can practice how to properly handle an animal with deadly claws and fangs. you are equally excited when you see your fake feline as you are when you see your real life feline. you reach out your chubby little hands and open your mouth really wide and SQUEEEZE it and shove as much fake cat into your mouth as you possibly can, and then SQUEEEAL in delight. fake cat is delicious. fake cat does not run. maybe i will just replace real life cat with fake cat. fake cat is much cheaper to maintain and will not ruin my furniture. also, in your benefit - fake cat is considerably easier to catch and devour.

speaking of eating... here are some things you've taught me about fine dining this month:

-sippy cups belong on the floor.
-food that you do not intend to eat must be smashed between your fingers, then angrily placed next to the sippy cup.
-EVERY proper dish includes a side of cheerios.
-bananas are offensive and cause immediate sealing of the lips, forcing the screams of banana distress to escape out the nose.
-rice cakes are like light airy crunchy pieces of gold and every little crumb must be savored. do not interrupt the savoring.
-when you can not speak english yet - food is a good medium... it's like interpretive dance. if you mush it and throw it that means it was not delicious, if you laugh so hard it sprays across the room that means it was definitely acceptable. your compliments to the chef.

holy moly i almost forgot about christmas. you had a great first christmas honey pie. you now officially own all of toys r us. you already owned all of babygap. you're not doing too bad for a 10 month old... but can we shoot for tiffany's next time? i mean toys are fun, clothes are fab, but seriously have you seen how sparkly some of those diamonds are? you like sparkly things! aim high. your birthday is in two months. i have faith in you.

christmas was amazing. you were SUCH a good girl. you laughed and smiled and opened all of your presents and stayed up way past your nap times and bed times and loved every minute of it. you were on santa's nice list for sure. santa got you a great stocking with sunglasses, socks, pacifiers, clips and blankets in it. he also got you a pink mini piano for christmas. you can already play it. you are so obviously a genius.

you're rounding the corner and approaching your first birthday. it's ridiculous how quickly time is flying by. i think i've said this almost every month, and i'll probably keep saying it till i'm old and gray... i just keep loving you more. it's truly an amazing thing. i think it's almost impossible to describe to people who are childless. its like a secret club. i was telling someone the other day how great you are. how you're so smiley and happy and well behaved and fun to be around... and he said to me "ALL mothers say that about their children." and i said to him, "ALL mothers believe it to be true." i remember very clearly, before i had you i viewed being a parent as never having a "life", never having a moment alone. let me tell you how thankful i am to have you keeping me company right now. you ARE my "life"... and i couldn't be happier about that.

i hope that one day when you're grown up and reading this you'll recognize that spending all day in an office, instead of in your arms just breaks my heart. it breaks it into a million little pieces and then kicks it in the crotch and sets its hair on fire. but i really believe that in the grand scheme of things that this is the way this part of life has to happen. hopefully someday i will figure out a way to be your full time mama again. then we'll find a way to look back and laugh. after all, we are really friggin fun.

love you like it's goin' outta style,

mama

nine months

dear claire,

hello and welcome to nine months old. i hope you enjoy your stay. here at nine months you'll find crawling, clapping, standing, speaking and holding your own bottle. allegedly.

you are on the VERGE of doing so many amazing things. this holiday season is going to be so exciting. wait... did i really just say that? "this holiday season is going to be so exciting." look what you're doing to me. i dare you to find a single person who knew me for more than 5 minutes in 2006 that would ever dream those words would come out of my mouth. sersiouly... "this holiday season is going to be so exciting." WOW. you are changing me in ways i didn't believe possible. today i sang a very enthusiastic jingle bells to you at least 4 times and i did some sort of weird cheer for you when you didn't spit out your plums. i'm telling you... we are getting dangerously close to me wearing a tigger sweatshirt, keds, eating fruit loops for dinner and insisting that rhyming is super neato. ugh.

as i was saying... you are a learning machine! here's a list of all the things you can ALMOST do. i mean REALLY crazy close.

drink from your sippy cup. currently you can suck air from it and then get pissed and throw it on the ground. work in progress.

bottle feed yourself. you definitely CAN, you sometimes will, but mostly you choose not to. i mean if we're going to go to all the trouble to buy it and prepare it for you we might as well serve it to you will we're at it. it's only polite.

put a cheerio in your mouth. you can put a cheerio in your hand, smack it somewhere on your face narrowly missing your mouth and fling it onto the floor. exactly where it belongs.

crawl. currently you are majoring in land swimming. with a minor in rolling over and giggling.

stand alone. standing against the ottoman is adequate. that's where we keep all the good stuff anyways.

clap. you think its really funny when i clap. but i can tell you really want to do it yourself. i know things.

pet the cat (nicely). we are working on this. repeat after me. pet, not pull. soft. gentle. love. pet, not pound. no murdering.

run for president (davies 2044). it's not THAT far away.

so anyways... like i said - this holiday season is going to be so exciting!

the months are starting to go by crazy fast. i feel like i'm going to turn around and you will be going away to college. you're starting to get this "kid" look about you, rather than a "baby" and it breaks my heart. i don't know what it is about the tiny baby in you that's so hard to let go. you cried a lot and you didn't do much... i guess it's the fact that every day you need me a little less. every day you get closer and closer to being too big for me to carry. i really feel like this month will be your last month of being a true "baby". next month you'll be crawling around and doing things for yourself. you're beginning to crave a toddler-like Independence - making decisions for yourself.

last night you weren't feeling good and i gave you a bottle and rocked you in your room. when you were done eating, you turned around and decided you wanted to lay on me. you put your head down on my chest and wrapped your little arms around me and fell asleep. it was the first time you'd decided so snuggle me on your own. you're making great decisions so far sweetie. keep it up.

loving you in a very big way.


-mama