approaching one whole year...

in honor of your first birthday approaching i'm writing to you about gifts. specifically the gifts you've given me. when you showed up in this world you didn't come empty handed, you came with lessons. it's impossible to be a parent and not learn anything from your child. in fact - people who refuse to learn from their children are usually pretty miserable. you've taught me about two things this year: patience and unconditional love.

patience

you've taught me that patience isn't just sitting quietly with your hands folded in your lap. true patience is throwing a party in the waiting room. i've learned to enjoy the present while waiting for the future.

having a child is all about waiting. first you have to wait 9 months to meet your baby, then you have to wait for her to hold up her head, sleep through the night, sit, crawl, speak... it's a constant waiting game. even strangers play the game with you. when i'm out in public with you i'm frequently asked, "how old is she?" followed by, "is she walking?", "is the sleeping through the night?". part of being a cool, calm and collected parent is fighting the temptation to sit around anxiously awaiting completion of the next milestone.

when i think about you growing up i can't help but day dream about your future. will you be good in school, who will take you to prom, what will you be when you grow up...? but then i look at your face, and you look back and smile at me, and in that moment the future fades away and all i care about is the right now. you've taught me that part of being patient is savoring the right nows. looking forward to the day you walk, while being thankful you can't run away from me yet. looking forward to the day you sleep through the night, while enjoying your 2am snuggles. even patiently waiting for the day you understand the meaning of "gentle" and stop ripping my hair out or trying to murder the cat, while appreciating that you're learning, and i get to be your teacher. i no longer patiently sit on the edge of my seat. you've given patience a whole new meaning. life is more fun when you spend your time celebrating the present, rather than anticipating the future.

unconditional love

i never knew the true meaning of unconditional love until i met you. when i was in sixth grade religion class our teacher told us that god loves us unconditionally. i asked her if that meant that if i spit and said the f word if he'd still love me. she said yes. so all along i've thought that unconditional love means that you love somebody even if they do terrible things.

i realize now that the true meaning of unconditional love is knowing and loving someone so completely that you understand why they do what they do, and if you don't understand, then you seek out the answer. by doing this you are loving the person for what they are - not in spite of what they aren't. i think so many people take the meaning of unconditional love for granted... "oh my daughter is a trouble maker, but i'm her mother so i love her anyways..." no. not it.

true unconditional love is caring so deeply about a person that you have the desire to understand what makes them tick. i want to know why you do what you do and feel what you feel. i love you so hard that there is NOTHING in this world you could do to change that. not because i'd let your actions slide, but because i will have come to understand the person you've become and i will know what you meant. once you can follow someones true intentions, unconditional love comes easily. i will never love you despite your actions and choices. i will always love you for them. that's unconditional.

--

so here we are, coming up to one whole year. i look at you in amazement of all the ways you've changed. and then i look at myself in amazement of all the ways you've changed me. you've made me a better person, you've made me a stronger woman, but most importantly - you've made me a mother. that's the greatest gift of all.

thank you.

your mama

eleven months

dear claire,

a year ago this week my OB put me on bedrest, so its fitting that now's the time you learn to crawl. quite the exact opposite of bedrest for me, actually. i sort of wish i would have rested a little harder. in fact, looking back i wish i'd started bedrest like 10 years ago. then i might be rested enough... at least enough to get me through one week.

you, my dear, are so awesome. you are babbling up a freaking storm. you'd always been a very quiet baby. taking it all in... observing those crazy people who raise you... then about a month ago WHAM - you speak. dada mama lala blah blah all day long. you just crawl around the house speaking your fancy language and telling everyone where to shove it. you call the cat "abba" (ava), you can say dog, and duck and you know the difference. you say "hi" and wave at people. i have no idea how you learned to wave. i did not teach you. one day you just did it. you are so polite.

the crawling is hilarious. the first thing you officially crawled a good distance for was my cell phone. then an electrical cord. then the cat. forget about the fact that you own all of toys r us. you apparently wish you owned all of circuit city and a small zoo. poor ava's quality of life has significantly decreased. you do not allow her to sit still. if she is on your floor - it's fair game. she waits until you get about 6 inches from her and then backs up a few feet. she will do this a few times and then jump up to the table and hatefully gaze at you. sometimes i think she actually wants you to catch her... and put her out of her misery.

you're also trying to stand on your own. you pull yourself up on your little table so well. usually i'm sitting right behind you waiting to catch you if you fall. you've learned that you can blindly let go, lean backwards, and land in my lap. you think its funny, because for a brief moment you are standing on your own. that's a very dangerous thing because i'm not always sitting behind you... and you can not stand alone. yet.

you've successfully gotten through a whole month of daycare (school). you are totally the popular girl sitting at the cool lunch table with the brand new trapper keeper. they LOVE you. i'm not surprised, you are really fun. they love your smile, and your laugh, and the way your whole face lights up when you're happy. you continue to brighten every life you touch, even if its just a little. i was really scared you'd either hate school, or love it and not miss me. but you've managed to find the perfect balance. you're happy to see your teacher each morning, and even happier to see me each evening. i'm still working on a way to be your full time mama again, but in the meantime i think you're happy at your new school.

this coming month is going to be different. tomorrow you and i are moving to a condo a few blocks away. this is the month you will look back on some day and wonder if it was your fault. it wasn't. if anything, your coming to this world almost helped fix things for a moment. but when push came to shove your dad and i found that we just weren't happy together, and it'd be better for all of us to be apart. i can only hope that you grow up to understand that this, though not the typical dreamy cookie cutter life - is the best life for us at the moment. i keep trying to remind myself that two happy households are better than one unhappy household... but inside my heart is aching for you to have a family that's not broken. i'm so sorry we couldn't fix it.

wow. you're almost a year old. i feel like the last eleven months have happened in one big breath. writing you these letters really helps me to slow down and reflect on how you've grown each month. it helps me to remember to appreciate every small thing about you. there are so many things about you, and i love looking back on past letters and remembering how you used to be. i love remembering every second of your life, it's been a wild ride so far. i remember the moment you were born, i was so scared you'd be too small to breathe. i kept asking over and over again, anyone who passed me by, "is she ok?". little did i know, you were more than just "ok". you were perfect. and you've spent the last eleven months continuing that trend.

loving you with all i got,

mama

ten months

dear claire,

it's so ironic... i've spent the last few weeks desperately trying to get you to sleep through the night. now all i wanna do is run up to your room and wake you up and hold you and kiss you and make you giggle. i wanna watch you spit out your breakfast and throw your toys and pull my hair. anything. but i don't want you to sleep through the night. you can stay up with me all night, every night. i miss you.

i went back to work on your ten month birthday. it was the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life. i sometimes feel like i need to mourn the loss of the amazing relationship we had... like we're going to lose it. but i'm not letting myself let go. not being able to stay home with you all day every day will continue to be the hardest thing i ever have to do... but at the same time - loving you with all my heart is the easiest thing i've ever done. so i'm going to hold onto that. even though we wont see each other as much, i will save up all my love for you so that at the end of the day when i come home we can spend a few hours catching up, and loving each other harder than we've ever loved before.

this month you've discovered that just because you cant reach something, doesn't mean it's out of reach. what a great life lesson learned early on. you haven't mastered crawling yet, but you can pivot, and squirm and bounce your way all over. the first day you moved you went about two feet. now you can make it to the next room in a snap. all without raising a finger... or a knee for that matter. you are a squirmy little lizard. or a wizard. one of the two.

you and ava the cat are still major buddies. i bought you a fake cat so we can practice how to properly handle an animal with deadly claws and fangs. you are equally excited when you see your fake feline as you are when you see your real life feline. you reach out your chubby little hands and open your mouth really wide and SQUEEEZE it and shove as much fake cat into your mouth as you possibly can, and then SQUEEEAL in delight. fake cat is delicious. fake cat does not run. maybe i will just replace real life cat with fake cat. fake cat is much cheaper to maintain and will not ruin my furniture. also, in your benefit - fake cat is considerably easier to catch and devour.

speaking of eating... here are some things you've taught me about fine dining this month:

-sippy cups belong on the floor.
-food that you do not intend to eat must be smashed between your fingers, then angrily placed next to the sippy cup.
-EVERY proper dish includes a side of cheerios.
-bananas are offensive and cause immediate sealing of the lips, forcing the screams of banana distress to escape out the nose.
-rice cakes are like light airy crunchy pieces of gold and every little crumb must be savored. do not interrupt the savoring.
-when you can not speak english yet - food is a good medium... it's like interpretive dance. if you mush it and throw it that means it was not delicious, if you laugh so hard it sprays across the room that means it was definitely acceptable. your compliments to the chef.

holy moly i almost forgot about christmas. you had a great first christmas honey pie. you now officially own all of toys r us. you already owned all of babygap. you're not doing too bad for a 10 month old... but can we shoot for tiffany's next time? i mean toys are fun, clothes are fab, but seriously have you seen how sparkly some of those diamonds are? you like sparkly things! aim high. your birthday is in two months. i have faith in you.

christmas was amazing. you were SUCH a good girl. you laughed and smiled and opened all of your presents and stayed up way past your nap times and bed times and loved every minute of it. you were on santa's nice list for sure. santa got you a great stocking with sunglasses, socks, pacifiers, clips and blankets in it. he also got you a pink mini piano for christmas. you can already play it. you are so obviously a genius.

you're rounding the corner and approaching your first birthday. it's ridiculous how quickly time is flying by. i think i've said this almost every month, and i'll probably keep saying it till i'm old and gray... i just keep loving you more. it's truly an amazing thing. i think it's almost impossible to describe to people who are childless. its like a secret club. i was telling someone the other day how great you are. how you're so smiley and happy and well behaved and fun to be around... and he said to me "ALL mothers say that about their children." and i said to him, "ALL mothers believe it to be true." i remember very clearly, before i had you i viewed being a parent as never having a "life", never having a moment alone. let me tell you how thankful i am to have you keeping me company right now. you ARE my "life"... and i couldn't be happier about that.

i hope that one day when you're grown up and reading this you'll recognize that spending all day in an office, instead of in your arms just breaks my heart. it breaks it into a million little pieces and then kicks it in the crotch and sets its hair on fire. but i really believe that in the grand scheme of things that this is the way this part of life has to happen. hopefully someday i will figure out a way to be your full time mama again. then we'll find a way to look back and laugh. after all, we are really friggin fun.

love you like it's goin' outta style,

mama

nine months

dear claire,

hello and welcome to nine months old. i hope you enjoy your stay. here at nine months you'll find crawling, clapping, standing, speaking and holding your own bottle. allegedly.

you are on the VERGE of doing so many amazing things. this holiday season is going to be so exciting. wait... did i really just say that? "this holiday season is going to be so exciting." look what you're doing to me. i dare you to find a single person who knew me for more than 5 minutes in 2006 that would ever dream those words would come out of my mouth. sersiouly... "this holiday season is going to be so exciting." WOW. you are changing me in ways i didn't believe possible. today i sang a very enthusiastic jingle bells to you at least 4 times and i did some sort of weird cheer for you when you didn't spit out your plums. i'm telling you... we are getting dangerously close to me wearing a tigger sweatshirt, keds, eating fruit loops for dinner and insisting that rhyming is super neato. ugh.

as i was saying... you are a learning machine! here's a list of all the things you can ALMOST do. i mean REALLY crazy close.

drink from your sippy cup. currently you can suck air from it and then get pissed and throw it on the ground. work in progress.

bottle feed yourself. you definitely CAN, you sometimes will, but mostly you choose not to. i mean if we're going to go to all the trouble to buy it and prepare it for you we might as well serve it to you will we're at it. it's only polite.

put a cheerio in your mouth. you can put a cheerio in your hand, smack it somewhere on your face narrowly missing your mouth and fling it onto the floor. exactly where it belongs.

crawl. currently you are majoring in land swimming. with a minor in rolling over and giggling.

stand alone. standing against the ottoman is adequate. that's where we keep all the good stuff anyways.

clap. you think its really funny when i clap. but i can tell you really want to do it yourself. i know things.

pet the cat (nicely). we are working on this. repeat after me. pet, not pull. soft. gentle. love. pet, not pound. no murdering.

run for president (davies 2044). it's not THAT far away.

so anyways... like i said - this holiday season is going to be so exciting!

the months are starting to go by crazy fast. i feel like i'm going to turn around and you will be going away to college. you're starting to get this "kid" look about you, rather than a "baby" and it breaks my heart. i don't know what it is about the tiny baby in you that's so hard to let go. you cried a lot and you didn't do much... i guess it's the fact that every day you need me a little less. every day you get closer and closer to being too big for me to carry. i really feel like this month will be your last month of being a true "baby". next month you'll be crawling around and doing things for yourself. you're beginning to crave a toddler-like Independence - making decisions for yourself.

last night you weren't feeling good and i gave you a bottle and rocked you in your room. when you were done eating, you turned around and decided you wanted to lay on me. you put your head down on my chest and wrapped your little arms around me and fell asleep. it was the first time you'd decided so snuggle me on your own. you're making great decisions so far sweetie. keep it up.

loving you in a very big way.


-mama

thanksgiving 2007

in case it isn't ridiculously obvious... i'm so thankful for you. here, i'll be more specific:

i'm thankful for the way you wake up from naps. happy and singing for me to come get you. your face lights up and you giggle like a pillsbury dough boy when you see my face peek over the top of the crib.

i'm thankful for your cute little feet. so tiny and petite i hardly ever have to buy shoes for you because your feet barely grow. such thrifty feet you have. also, you have my toes... which is really something you should be thankful for because i have amazingly cute feet.

i'm thankful for every smile you make. basically, i'm happy you're happy. i try so hard to be the best mom i can for you, and when i see you beaming and giggling and squealing with delight it really makes me feel like i'm doing ok so far. the beginning was so hard - the nicu, prematurity, milk allergies, terrible acid reflux... i was so close to feeling like a total failure. but now you're thriving and beautiful and cheery. being your mama has become so fulfilling and rewarding, and really just so unbelievably happy.

i'm thankful for your scream. recently you've discovered the depths of your voice box. in the middle of grocery shopping, diaper changing, car riding, song singing, food eating - you'll let out the most ear piercing, terradactyl, horror movie, dog whistle of a scream. it's monumental. and then you laugh. so, i give thanks to the fact that you are not screaming because you are pissed and about to throw a fit... you're screaming simply because you can.

i'm thankful for your kicky little legs. i miss them kicking my belly. i miss having you with me every second, all snug and safe and kicky in my belly. the pregnancy overall was a painful experience, but i will always cherish those special moments we had in the evenings, laying in bed (dying of high blood pressure and suffering from insomnia) with my hands on my belly feeling you move around. it was such an amazing experience. now i look at your little kicky legs becoming steady and learning to stand and i'm so proud of all the things you are learning to do. and i'm so thankful that you are healthy enough and smart enough to do them.

i'm thankful that you made me a mother. your nana thanks me for this every year on my birthday, and every mother's day. i didn't really get it until now. you've changed my life more than anyone ever has or ever will. you took me from ordinary person - to extraordinary mother. that's kind of a big deal. you totally win. i love being your mom. i will thank you for that gift every mother's day and every march 2nd.

most of all, thank you for being you. i promise to do my best to give you the tools to become the best you that you can be.

i couldn't be any more thankful for you if i was wearing a pilgrim hat and playing football with a turkey.

xoxo

-mama

another inbetweener

dear claire,

when you are 21 years old remind me to buy you a drink. you totally deserve one. it's been a really rough week for your poor little mouth. i'd totally buy you a drink now (you seem like you need it!) but i don't think even the best fake ID would score you a seat at the bar at this point in your life.

TEETHING BITES.

sorry pookie.

-mama

eight months

dear claire,

this month has been a VERY busy month for you. you've learned to spit. which is such a charming quality. your nana taught you how to blow in peoples faces. extremely polite. you've figured out how to hit people, knock things off of tables, eat magazines, and lunge for objects like hot coffee, scissors and wine glasses. you are not very safe. cue the phase of your life where i can not take my eyes off you for even a second. not only because i love you and enjoy staring at your pretty face, but because you may be doing things like tampering with my bottle of xanax and eating glass. i expect that our lives will only get more exciting from here on out.

welcome, and enjoy your stay, mr. and mrs. two first teeth! we hope you like the accommodations provided by claire's mouth. it may be a rocky ride and you've definitely got your work cut out for you (see above - glass eating), however i can assure you that you will not go unnoticed. we truly appreciate every bucket load of drool, .o8ml of infant tylenol, and sleepless nights you've incurred leading up to your arrival. i hope you continue to grow and supply us with many years of hard work so that your extended voyage into claire's mouth will not be in vain. peace, love, and good luck.

this month you've learned how to play with your toys. you very carefully inspect your books. you bend over into sitting taco position so that you can get a good look. santa may bring you a magnifying glass for christmas. also, you love to bang on your drums, and hit your little disney music playing thingy you have. one day when you were really grumpy you hit your disney toy and it did not make music like it was supposed to. so you leaned over and got all up in its business and CRIED AT IT. "how DARE you not do as i say you stupid toy! maybe you need to go back to the toy academy and learn how to do your job!" then you hit it again. it started to play its music. your cries turned into a less sad whimper. you hit it again. nothing. then you screamed so loudly that i decided it was probably a good idea to take a nap. and i was right. when you cry at your toys for not obeying you - it's time to rethink the day.

i am very sad to say that you and ava the cat had a slight run-in this month. you were sitting patiently waiting to be fed and ava decided to keep you company. she inadvertently got a little too close. your eyes lit up, your arm reached out, your fat little finger touched her fur and like a bolt of lightening you clamped down your grabby little hand into her side and refused to let go. oh, until she BIT YOU. i have never seen ava so sad in my entire life. she totally knew that biting the baby was against the rules, but you gave her no choice! she looked so ashamed, so damaged, so undeserving of her miserable little life. you, on the other hand, didn't even notice. when she turned to bite you, you were so pleased at the attention she was giving you that you forgot what you were doing and released your death grip. she only gave you a little nibble that left a red mark for a few minutes, but it didn't break the skin. you know what DID break? ava's heart.

last week you and i went grocery shopping for the first time in months (they sell wine, baby food and lean cuisines at target - and that's all i really need). WHY, oh why do the people at the grocery store think that its a place to socialize? it's a place to purchase meat and liquor. that's it.

old lady stranger: OMG what a beautiful baby!

me: oh, thank you. (being polite, but in a please-stop talking to me kinda way)

old lady stranger: (turns to you) HI LITTLE GIRL, WELL AREN'T YOU A CUTIE PATOOTIE!

you: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (reaching for me HYSTERICALLY like someone is trying to murder you)

so i pick you up and turn the other direction.

old lady stranger: oh i guess she doesn't like me.

me: sorry

you: (calming down)

old lady stranger: (looks at you)

you: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

old lady stranger: (walks away)

from that point on, i kid you not, any time anyone in the store made eye contact with you, you would start to whimper. and you don't even wanna know what happened to the checker who tried to pinch your cheeks. he's lucky he's still alive. you are such a little social butterfly. i am so proud. stranger = danger

this month we "celebrated" your first halloween. ok, well i dressed you up in your costume for 20 minutes, took some pictures and then you went to bed. party animal. or should i say party bird?

every month you come up with all these new incredible things you can do. and every thing you do makes me love you even more. your spectrum of amazing just keeps expanding. i remember thinking you were so great when you were this little 4lb fetus in an incubator. you didn't even do anything, and i would get so excited to go see you. i would sit in the nicu rocking chair and stare at you and watch your belly move up and down. now, after a busy day of running errands you and i will pull up to the driveway and i'll open the back door do get you out of your car seat, but you are fast asleep. i will get back in the car and sit there in the back seat, right next to you, and take your little hand in mine and just relax. and stare at you. and breathe. and remember that in the blink of an eye you will be so grown up that you will be driving the car, instead of sleeping like a little angel in the back seat. my beautiful little angel.




love you more than its even possible,

mama