inbetweener

dear claire,

i was thinking the other day while we were sitting in the urgent care exam room. i was watching your tummy squeeze every muscle as tight as it could to push the air in and out of your body. i was waiting for the medicine to work, for the doctor to come back, for you to feel ok again. i was thinking about how there is so much talk about how being a parent is such a "responsibility". we use that word to scare teenagers into using condoms, to make excuses for why we are tired or busy or stressed or broke. children, they are such gigantic "responsibilities".

when i was pregnant with you a "friend" told me that i didn't understand how big of a responsibility a child was. she told me that she didn't think i was mature enough to be responsible for another person for the next 18 years. she suggested that i shouldn't continue the pregnancy.

but as it turns out, you're not a chore, a burden or an anchor. i realized the other night when i was watching your little body once again struggle to breathe... you're not a responsibility. you're not an obligation or a duty. i wasn't put out by having to sit in the urgent care for 4 hours because i'd signed some "i'm a parent" contract. i don't make a living being your mother. and you're certainly not a reflection of my maturity.

anyone can be a responsible parent. keep the children away from matches and carry tylenol in your pocket, etc. the really good parents are the ones who know that love comes first. so no, being a parent isn't about responsibilities. she was wrong, and i'm glad i didnt listen.

i'll sit in any uncomfortable urgent care, er and hospital chair in the world if it means i get to hold your hand and help make you feel better. not because you are my responsibility, but you are just simply a pleasure. you are joy, happiness and hope. you are my baby. the only thing left for me to do is love you. luckily, i'm really good at doing that.

you make it so easy.

-mama.

twenty six months

dear claire,

we were driving in the car the other day and you yelled out, "mommy, sing the happy birthday to you song?" i had no idea this was a song you knew, or a song you liked to sing, and i'm not sure how "the happy birthday to you song" outranks "the wheels on the bus" or "the itsy bitsy spider", but maybe its because you notice that when people sing that song - its always a celebration. so i sang it. you chimed in. when we got to the end... "happy birthday dear claaaaa-iireee, happy birthday to youuuuu!" you yelled out "and blow out the candles!!!" and you blew. and then, "and have the cake!!!" i don't know how in the world i am so blessed that i got this funny, smart, pretty little girl as my baby. i certainly don't feel i deserve it. but i'm not going to call attention to that. that'd be like winning the lotto and insisting that the money go to pay off national debt. nothankyou.












this month you became a real person. you lie, cheat and steal. mostly about food, using the big person potty, and beating up the cat. you are at your "testing the boundries" prime. let me make this easy for you.... when you ask me for yogurt, mac and cheese, granola bar, apple sauce and m&m's all at the same time - i see right through you. i'm 28 years old. thats definitely old enough to know that you are a big liar and are going to waste like 5 dollars worth of food just to *see* if i will get it all for you. also, there is a very big difference between "peeing in the potty" and removing all your clothing, urinating on the floor and telling me you "spilled some water." smart, yes... smarter than someone who has been using the potty and spilling drinks for decades, no.











you also have this insane sense of direction. when we are driving you yell out who's house we're going to with in the first few turns. its FREAKY, actually. i've been driving for quite a while, i've never lived 5 miles away from where i was born, ya get 3 drinks in me and there is a good chance i wouldn't be able to tell you what street i live on. yet my child, who has been alive for just over two years and can't even poop in the toilet, knows that if we go south on topanga canyon we might go see nina. if we go north we are going to see daddy, and if we go east on devonshire we are for sure going to end up at nana and papa's. like, WHAT!? how is this even possible? are you a wizard? or a pigeon?









this "lets be naked" phase you're going through is cracking me up. the FIRST thing you do when we get home... a simple request to remove your shoes.... that's how it begins. the moment i turn my back to put your shoes in your room you are ripping clothing off. you strip down completely naked and proclaim, "MOMMY!!!! I ANNNNN NEKIIIIID!" the next step is roaming around the condo looking for the most ridiculous thing to do nekkid. such as, putting on a tiara and princess shoes, or how about two legs down one leg hole of your florescent yellow puma shorts? mommy's high heels and some mardi gras beads, check. bangle bracelets and stickers of kittens, check. purple sharpie marker all over your belly and running around with quarters screaming about all the "monies" you have. never a dull moment when nekkid claire is running free. we were in target last week and you were bored with walking around looking for throw pillows and started to take off your pants and i yelled out across the aisle, "PLEASE KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!!!" so, apparently, yelling that - that draws attention. for future reference.











i was telling someone the other day how crazy you grew when you were born. in the nicu you weighed 4lbs and 1oz. - you were 50th percentile for a 33 week old fetus. but not even on the charts for a newborn. and then by 12 weeks old you weighed close to 13 lbs., which is 70th percentile for a normal 12 week old baby. you grew so fast, you caught up so fast, i swear i thought your pediatrician was going to name a wing of the office after you. the nurses used to call you the "perfect preemie". how right they were. some days i look at you and think to myself how special you are to me. and i look and sometimes i think, "everyone thinks their child is special and smart and beautiful." but the real beauty, the beauty of being a parent is that, it doesn't matter one bit - how great anyone else's child might be. all that matters is your own. you are so special and smart and strong and beautiful and absolutely hilarious and no matter how great all the other children of the world are, i get to be proud of that - of YOU. because i'm your mother. being your mom is such a wonderful feeling. so happy freaking 26th month birthday claire. you're now 28lbs. you're still 70th percentile. sing the song. blow out the candles. have the cake. and eat it too.



love every last piece of you,

mommy.

twenty five months

dear claire,

this month you decided you were tired of hearing people go on about how "two is terrible", so you're just going to act like you're three. you show them. your speech has spiraled out of control. and you are way too smart for your own good.







over the last couple months when you want to watch tv you would blurt out "TV OFF?!" which is confusing to most, but what you meant was "WHYTHEHELL IS THE TV OFF, LADY?!" upholding my resistance to all things bright and loud, i limit your tv time to 30 mins a day. if it wasnt for the creators of shows like "dora the explorer" having the delusion that every single word should have 3 or more exclamation points after it, i might be a little more flexible. but seriously. "hi!!!! my!!! nombre!!! is!!! dora!!!!!!!!!!!!!" not to mention that she totally speaks spanglish. i have no problem with shows that teach an actual second language, but "put on!!!!! your!!! zapatos!!! so we!!!! can!!! vamanos!!!!" is not a human language. ok, well i guess it is a language if you live in southern california. but certainly not something i'm going to pay a cable bill for you to experience. if i wanted you to be fluent in spanglish i would take you outside on a sunday afternoon.







so anyway, after a while of the broken record that is you asking me "TV OFF?!" and the broken record that is me saying "nope." and you completely losing your shit - - - - i decided i needed a better plan. my genius plan was to simply tell you, "i'm so sorry, the tv went night night. tv was SO tired." and you were ok with that. (((cue bright light shining down on me from above and choir music playing))) thank god.



tonight, after dinner i noticed you smelled like day care and cheerios. which is the most disgusting smell ever. worse than a poopy diaper. so i mentioned, "hey claire, lets go give you a bath!" you promptly replied, "sorry mommy. no bath. the bath was tired. so tired. so the bath went night night." (((dark clouds rush in and lightening strikes)))





DAMMIT! you beat me at my own game!!! i couldn't just disregard the "tired bath" because that would discredit me for all future "sleeping tv's". so i came up with a plan... "you're right, i forgot. the bath is sleeping. but MOMMY'S bath just woke up!" and i dragged you into the other bathroom. ha HA! i thought i was so smart. until, later tonight, like i always do i told you the tv was sleeping. you looked at me and sighed. you were just about to fall for my clever trick when you suddenly perked back up and replied, "i know... the tv is sleeping.... but MOMMY'S tv just woke up!" and into my bedroom you went, and turned on freaking dora. HOLA!!! smart!!! baby!!! ADIOS!!! smart!!! mommy!!!





another thing you've learned to do this month is be judgemental. i knew it was only a matter of time before you soaked up this lovely trait, you little sponge, you. the other night we were at nana and papa's and i asked you to sing the ABC's for your nana. "no." then papa walked into the room and i asked you if you would sing the ABC's with your papa. with that, papa began to sing the ABC's. really out of tune ABC's. you glared at him from across the room... "be quiet papa." and mumbled under your breath, "you're doin' it wrong."



you're also a little bossy and frequently tell me to "get up" or "sit down" or "turn the computer off" or "sweep the floors cinderelly!!!" you are so strong willed and you really know what you want. yogurt for dinner, carrots for breakfast, shoes on, shoes off, you yell at the cat "no, NO ava! get off the couch!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!", you yelled at me the other day when i was standing on the bed adjusting the curtains, "get DOWN mommy!!! no standing on the bed!!!" and then when i finally got down you clapped your hands and cheered, "yaaaaay! good job, mommy!" thank you, claire. it feels amazing to be such an obedient mother.



but you're gentle too. and sweet and kind. when you take a moment to set aside all the terrible two-ness and the roid-rage from the pulmicort breathing treatments, and your completely inflated sense of confidence and independence - you are just precious. every morning and every night you put my face in your hands and say, "i love you mommy." then you throw your arms over my shoulders and hold me, and pat me on the back. and once a week or so you drag a pillow on to the floor in the living room and ask me to lay down. you come over with a blanket and lay it over me and fluff it up so it just square and right. you sit down next to me and pat my back and say "shhhhh. its ok.... shhhh." it's one thing to play "mommy" with your dolls, its another thing to play mommy with your mommy.





when you yell at me to get down off the bed, and celebrate that i listened, and then turn around, cover me with your blanket and "shh" me to sleep, when you hold my face and tell me you love me, and even when you use my own tricky logic to get what you want... all that says something very important to me. you're listening, you're happy, i'm doing a good job. and when i think about it that way, it makes me really understand that as much as you need me to be your mother, i need you to be my daughter. there is no better feeling in the world than when someone is holding you and telling you that they love you, and you close your eyes and take a deep breath and you realize that not only do they mean it - but you taught them how to do it. when you show someone how to love, and they give you love in return... nothing can compare to that feeling. that is the most pure and real meaning of "success". two really isn't so terrible afterall.



love you loving me,

mama

two years

dear claire,

when you turned one i wrote about a few things you'd taught me that year. it's been a whole 'nother year and, wow, its been a year... wow. so here i am again, what, like five seconds later with a big fat two year old letter of things you've taught me this year. i'm not sure how a whole year passed so quickly. i think you must be performing some sort of time travel wizardry. nevertheless....


trust

this year you were hospitalized. you couldnt breathe and it sucked and we spent 3 days in a 10x10 space with questionable food and no sleep. when we first went to the hospital they needed to get an IV in you right away. the nurse told me to give you to her and that they were going to take you into the next room to put the IV in. i practically burst into tears on the spot. "you can NOT take my child alone into the next room and torture her with needles, no thank you, PASS." the nurse explained to me that they always take the child away from the parent for the IV because YES it is traumatizing, YES it will hurt, but they want the parent to be the person to "rescue" the child after the torture... not the person helping hold the child down. they want the parents to keep the trust of the child. then it made so much sense. i wish that trust was that easy in life. i wish that every time something bad happened to you it could happen in the next room so that i could be the one to rescue you. but i've realized that wont always be the case. there are going to be many times in our lives where things will hurt. i wont always be the one to rescue you. i'm going to have to pull out the splinter, set a curfew, or tell you your cat died. and thats where the trust comes in. when you were a baby i got an automatic "trust pass". but as you grow older, i have to work to keep it. you like to play this game where you will stand up on the bed and just fall to me. there is no doubt in your mind that i will catch you. i'm always looking, paying attention, waiting for you. and i always will be. this year i've learned that at first trust comes free, but then you have to try hard to maintain it. there will be many times that i'm going to have to be the one to prick you with the needle. but afterwards, i will always, always be looking, waiting and paying attention to catch you when you fall. trust me.


innocence

today you were visiting me at work and a man and his two year old walked into my office. when the child walked in i said "oh hi cutie!" the man asked me a few questions and then went on his way. as they turned to walk out you yelled to the child "bye bye cutie!" it makes me smile just thinking about it. it reminds me that all of the stupid grown up adult crap bag people werent always so crappy. there is this innocence in all of us that used to believe everything anyone said. along the way we all learn to read into things, manipulate situations, translate what someone is saying to fit our needs, read tones, and facial expressions, and body language. there is no truth in adults. everything is left up to interpretation. no one is innocent. no one is unbiased. it's so different when you're two. you'd be damned if someone was going to try and tell you that girls name wasnt "cutie". um, HELLO, your own MOTHER just TOLD you her name is CUTIE. psshhhh. a little more innocence in this world really wouldnt kill us. if only we were all southern, flight attendant, two year olds who just went around bouncing our frenchbraids (freedombraids? do we still hate french people? i dont remember.) winking and refreshing people's drinks and calling everyone "cutie". what a world it would be. this year you reminded me that innocence is more similar to honesty than to ignorance then people like to admit.


faith

i'm not religious. something that i know disappointments a few people in my life. to most people faith means faith in god, or religion, or a higher power, or booze. while i do have faith in booze (it's only steered me wrong a handful of times!), none of those are the faith i'm talking about. you've taught me about faith in the future. faith in our future. there is something from my past that has always stuck in my head. a teacher i had in high school, was talking once about how god loves us, and we should never doubt his love for us. and she said something... she said that god looks down on us and says "i love you. just look at you, what else would i do?" i remember feeling so special. well, until i realized i didn't believe in god. but then you made me realize that you don't have to believe in god to see goodness. cuz every time i see your face i can't help to think, "i love you. just look at you, what else would i do..." i have faith in you. and us, and our future. i have faith that our love will carry us through 'til for always. no matter what either of us encounters, we've already been through so much in just two years, i know there is nothing that our love can't overcome. so, you've taught me what faith feels like. i can't see it or touch it our feel it, but i know we have a great future lined up for us. i guarantee it. i have faith in us. i have faith that you and i will love each other for always. just look at us, what else would we do.

2 us,

mom-mom

twenty three months

dear claire,

when i was getting ready to give birth to you, i knew i'd be the best mom. i knew i might have to read up on the best brand of diapers, i might not be able to afford the shiniest stroller, but i just knew i'd always be able to make you happy. when you were tiny you were so unhappy, but i figured it out. i researched and i studied and i asked around and i figured out what was wrong. i made you happy, like i knew i would. when your father and i separated i was so scared i'd ruin you. i was so nervous that daycare would break you, that you'd be different, that we'd be poor, that i wouldnt be able to get up every night with you by myself... but its been a year, and we survived. i'm ok, you're ok, we're ok and we're happy. there's been some curve balls. but we still drove it home. we've been through more than the normal mom and daughter have, and we are happy.








then you remembered that you're turning two soon. the clouds parted, the sky opened up and all types of hell went and broke loose. you're not all that happy anymore. sorry. tonight, two time outs, one binky taken away, a sippy cup of milk taken away, your favorite doll removed from your clenched fists and you REFUSED to pick up the carrot you threw on the floor. flat out looked me in the eyes and yelled "NO." the first time you refused i didnt quite know what to do with myself. thirty minutes later i decided to give up. i'm not the parent that lets their child get away with murder. but apparently i am the parent who lets their child litter the carpet with vegetables, because there was literally NOTHING i could do to convince you that throwing food is not allowed and you must pick up the carrot and place it back on the table. you should know, though... the carrot will sit there until you pick it up. you may have postponed the match, but you have not won. i have big plans for tomorrow. i dont care if the carrot is a shriveled up piece of nothing, i will continue to vacuum around it. for the rest of your life. you might show up to your dorm room freshman year of college and when you walk over to the mini fridge to crack open your first college beer you're going to hear a little crunch under your feet. sorry. you're cuter, but i'm the winner.









in 16 days you will turn two. i'll be cheery, i promise. your two year old letter will be positive and uplifting and yay for the future. woo hoo for another year and stuff. but this letter is the one where i get sad. i thought maybe two wouldnt be that old. i mean, its not, really, two is not old. but in the last month you lost your chubby baby cheeks and your fat baby legs and you look like a kid. you talk like a preschooler. you grew out of all your onesies. i am so not ready for you to turn two. i wanna swaddle you and put you in the little bassinet with the bunny mobile and i want random strangers to tell me things like "enjoy this stage, it goes by so fast." i want you to smell like spit up and fit in a moby wrap. i love love love that you're growing and you're healthy but i wish i tivo'd you, so that every once and a while i could replay 9 months again. hold you in my arms without your feet kicking my thigh, give you baths in the sink, and touch your nose to make you laugh. so i'll leave it at that. i wont complain anymore. i will celebrate the new you. the new carrot throwing sentence speaking you. but i just wanna go on record saying that i loved when you were a "baby", and i will always cherish the memories of the first two years. there was some hard times, but we managed to stay really happy.





so this month you started speaking in real sentences. not like - oh three words is technically a sentence... but actual conversations. we talk about the weather, and about all your owies and how you'd like me to kiss that one spot on your knee that you scraped 4 months ago. we talk about your cat and how she is bad and she may or may not be tired and need to go night night. we talk about water and cars and how lots of things are really loud and really funny and we talk about all the people who call me on the phone and how the president's name is obama and you like yogurt and cheese and videos. i could pretty much just pick a topic out of a hat and you could tell me a story. and it may or may not include the word "dammit". did i mention you like to repeat everything i say? oops.





i was watching the super nanny once and she told me that when you put a kid in "time out" it should be as many minutes as their age and the other day i figured out why. you were naughty and i'd warned you that if you hit the cat again i would be so sad that i'd have to put you in your crib. so of course you hit the cat. and i put you in your crib. i sat at my computer int he living room watching the clock. one minute passed, you're screaming to get out... two minutes is approching, you're silent... two minutes and ten seconds.... i'm getting up to go get you from you crib and i hear laughter. then singing. i go into your room and you dont even look up. you are happily playing in your crib singing and reading a book. you'd forgotten all about the cat. i walk over to your crib and you stand up "hi mommy! its cold outside! " time out = FAIL.







today at the grocery store a man came up to me and said "they don't come any cuter than that, i tell ya." and i looked at you and smiled. he's right. you were wearing a new sweater from baby gap and had a smile on your face and bouncy blond hair. you're ridiculously cute. and that's nice when strangers compliment you. but what is even more important is how kind you are. how sweet your little heart is. how even when you're gearing up for the terrible two's you say "thank you" and "you're welcome" and "bless you" and "excuse me" - NOT because we trained you to say those things, you just noticed it made people smile and you figured it out. you care so much about other people and how you make them feel. i cant stress enough how compassionate and loving you are. when someone laughs you exclaim "that's so funny!" you pay such close attention to other people and how they feel. that's such a gift. no amount of sparkley eyes or dimples can compete with how cute you become when you're patting my back and saying "shh shh shh mommy. you're so tired. night night. see you in the morning." i love you, baby. no matter how big you are, you will always be my baby. no matter what happens, i will always make you happy. seriously though... pick up the carrot, dammit.



love ya for good,

mommy

an inbetweener

dear claire,

recently you've been going through a weird separation anxiety thing. basically you completely freak out if your father or i try to leave you with someone else. including people like your grandparents, or your daycare teacher who you've been with for a year. you very carefully watch us, and with a ninja's heightened awareness of your surroundings you immediately catch even a glance towards the door, or a reach for the keys. and you sound the alarms. i've never heard you scream and cry like this before. it's so sad, because, honey we HAVE to take you to daycare 4 times a week.

last week i was talking with someone who is planning on having children soon. she was asking me if it changes how you view the world. the answer, simply, was "yes". but it was pretty hard to explain. i guess it changes how i feel about the future. i care further than my own life expectancy. but there was something else i couldn't quite put to words. it made me feel differently about other people... but i didn't know why.

this week as i felt you pull my hair, trying to grab on to me, begging me not to leave - i was so heartbroken and so torn up inside. all i could think was, "this isn't right, i shouldn't have to leave my baby, she needs me and i need her". that's when i realized what it is that makes the world different when you're a parent... compassion.

not necessarily because people deserve it, or because i want to avoid burning in hell, but because as a parent you come to realize that everybody, young or old, kind or mean, pretty or ugly, stupid or smart, everybody is some body's baby. everybody has a mother who would give anything to have you treat HER baby with love, kindness, and compassion.

the guy who cut you off in traffic, or the wench client who sent you a nasty email, or the customer service rep at the cable company who is a few flowers short of a bouquet... every one of them has snuggled up in their mother arms, every one has been rocked to sleep, rushed to the pediatrician, and kissed on the forehead while they slept. every one of them has a mother who at some point in her life has shed a tear because her baby needed her, and she needed her baby.

so that's how being a parent changes you. fyi.


-mama

twenty two months

dear claire,

it's hard to even put to words how amazing this month was. you've changed and grown so much it's unbelievable. in the last four weeks you've gone from a frustrated toddler to a little kid. you totally get that you are not just here to eat sleep and scream. there is something much bigger going on in this world. you now have an imagination, and you have a newfound sense of trust and understanding.









you've graduated from freaking out because you want your shoes both on and off at the same time... to knowing which shoe goes on which foot. i have no idea how you know that. maybe it’s just luck. maybe you are a wizard. you used to stand at the door and meltdown because you wanted to go outside... now, when i tell you its cold outside, you ask me if its raining, and then you ramble on in crazy toddler talk about rain and water and cold and wind. and you wave your little fists in the air as to indicate a shiver and yell "BRRR!" weather is incredibly fascinating.







i love toddler logic. while babysitting, aunt meg showed you a photo of me, and you exclaimed "MOMMY!" then you reached your arms out to the picture and said "mommy... UP?" then one day you and your dad were playing the game when you tell him to turn the lights on and he does and then you tell him to turn the lights off and he does. you say "light OFF!" and then celebrate that he can take direction. and then "light.... ON!" and applaud his quick response again. one day while you were playing the light game i called him on the phone. you knew it was me because you recognized the ring tone. when he hung up the phone you looked at him and demanded, "mommy ON!" brilliant.











you are entering this phase where everything has a reason. everything must make sense. and you must narrate it all. when i pick up my phone you yell out the name of the last person i called. when i put on my shoes and grab my keys you remind me of the last place we went, and that i'm forgetting my cell phone. you point out things you are proud to know the name of... including when we are at a restaurant and you see a glass of wine and yell out "MOMMY'S DRINK!" i wasn't embarrassed. i swear. that’s just one step closer to being old enough to fetch me a glass. progress: we haz it.









you gave me the best christmas present ever. a few nights before christmas you woke up at 2:30am screaming (bad dream i think) so i brought you into bed with me. at 5:50am you woke up wanted to start your day and i was like 'oh hell no'. then the sweetest morning followed....

me: claire, sweetie, it's dark outside. we don’t get up till the sun gets up. go back to sleep ok?
you: dark?
me: yep
you: yeah.... dark.... owwshide.
me: exactly.
you: mommy?
me: yes?
you: cold owwshide. yeah.... and dark owwshide.
me: tru dat. lay down please baby.

you lay down, then you rolled over to me and wrapped your arms around me and put your head on my chest.

you: mommy?
me: yes baby.
you: more 'hold you' peez.

so i scoop you up on me and hold you tight and we lay there for about a half-hour. then you woke up again. and you whisper...

you: mommy.... light owwshide....
me: yes baby, but i don't wanna get up yet. come snuggle me.

so you rolled back over to me and started playing with my hair, gently brushing it away from my face. then you whisper "nigh nigh mommy, i love you" (just like i say to you every night as i rub your head).













overall, 2008 turned out to be a pretty good year in the end. the adjustments our family went through in the beginning were tough on me for a while... but i don't think you noticed. we'll make every year a little better than the last. each passing year is essentially a compilation of memories and lessons... bound by hope. 2008 will always be wrapped up sitting in my heart as the hardest year i ever had. the but as difficult as it was a times, when all was said and done, i was left with an overwhelming sense of hope for the years to come. we're starting the new year right this time. january is not filled with anxiety and february will not be smothered with tears. i'm not afraid to be a divorcedsingleworking mother. i'm just elated i'm your mother. so here we are, starting off on the right foot, not to mention our shoes on the right feet. oh hai 2009.



loving you for years to come,

-mommy